


Bernie's Diary

by Rubyliz1981



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City, lesbian - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-10-16 01:13:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 53
Words: 37,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10560878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rubyliz1981/pseuds/Rubyliz1981
Summary: Bernie started a diary in some form the first day she started working at Holby City. She wanted to work on herself now she was back and thought writing her thoughts down would help.Set on day of episode 'All Fall Down' when she turns up on her first day at work.We all remember that she meets Serena Campbell on her first day!Chapters will be short to start with as Bernie gets used to writing her thoughts and feelings down, will it help her to make sense of her new life?I am not writing anymore on this until Bernie returns to Holby after much thinking, thank you to those you have read it & commented, supporting it x x





	1. Chapter 1

**Tuesday**

First day starting work at Holby, was dying for a cigarette and arrived onto my new ward to a relaxed state of play between the staff.

They all seem nice, friendly...

Not sure about Henrik Hanssen, he seems strict, stern even, especially with me today, will keep an open mind...

I met Ric Griffin next, someone else old school... not sure about him yet either.

They seem a bit formal here, kept calling me Ms Wolfe when I insisted on Bernie, not sure if I will fit in, will give it time.

I met an amazing woman who had rescued a woman from a burning car, totally humble, she inspired me. I encouraged her to reunite with her family and stop running, maybe I should take my own advice?

Jac Naylor, hard as nails, cold, arrogant, we may get on not sure yet, she didn't trust me in theatre today until I think I surprised her with my surgical skill, she said I had done good work whether it was genuine I don't know...

Was about to give in and re-think what the hell I am doing here at Holby when I got chatting to a sparky brunette, Serena, who was not having much luck with her car. She was witty, smart and had beautiful eyes, I think we might end up as friends, hopefully, we hit it off, it made the day slightly better.

I met Mo, much friendlier, think we will get on, I like Zosia too.

I got frustrated with the lack of control I have now, away from the forces, there are all these rules and regulations and I have to check things with people, i'm just not sure I have done the right thing.

Got home late to find Marcus annoyed as he had cooked dinner and it was ruined. I wanted to text Alex but held back, I have to work at things with Marcus, I have to...

There is a lot of pressure on me, I will just have to grin and bear it for now...


	2. Chapter 2

**Wednesday**

Couldn't sleep last night, kept thinking of Alex, the way I left her, I should have called, why didn't I?

I am struggling to be a wife to Marcus, how can I after what happened between Alex and I. Why am I here? Is it really the right thing to do? For who?

Sent a text to Cam, still waiting to hear back from him, I hope he will talk to me soon, I miss him.

Day was slightly improved, worked well with Sacha.

Jac Naylor has the ultimate death stare I have decided and one she has used on me several times in the last 48 hours...

Ric is getting right on my nerves, so pompous, have to respect his way of working though - i'm told to.

 

**Thursday**

Oh god I want to text Alex, I am missing her so much. Can't stop thinking of her.

Can Marcus tell that my heart doesn't lie with him... anymore? Did it ever really?

He must be able to tell, I am avoiding him and time alone.

Finally a text from Cam, short and sweet, polite not friendly though, I need to see him, perhaps he will meet me soon... hopefully...

I haven't seen Serena since meeting her in the car park, looking out for her but our paths haven't crossed again yet.

Not sleeping, all I can think of is Alex...

 

**Friday**

Bad day all round, I don't belong here at Holby, arguments with Jac, nothing new there then so far...

I like some of the staff, however Jac and Ric are really starting to hack me off big time.. policies, procedures, that's all they talk about, surely patient welfare comes first??

I saw Serena downstairs waiting by the lift when I was in Pulses, she didn't see me, keep meaning to go up to her and have a chat, feel a bit intimidated right now though... hopefully soon...

Marcus and I had a fight... he can tell my heart isn't really being here... at home... it isn't really, I want it to be but I can't get Alex out of my head, should I call her? Stick it out a bit longer trying to make my marriage work? Who knows?

Need to text Charlotte tomorrow, need to make myself reach out to her, I need her to forgive me... hopefully...


	3. Chapter 3

**Tuesday**

Bloody awful day, lost a 17 year old despite resusitating 6 times to try to get him back, feel depressed. Had to tell his father that he hadn't made it, what if that had been someone telling me about Cameron, unthinkable.

I really detest Jac Naylor, so arrogant, she looks down at me and I won't stand for it.

Arthur did me proud, he kept with me and trusted me today... he has what it takes...

Hanssen had another go at me, he doesn't like my working methods, so infruiating!

Marcus and I aren't really talking, we had dinner together but it's so awkward, I just don't know what to talk about with him and he is really trying. Eventually asked him about Cam and Charlotte, I know he is in touch with them a lot. He reassured me they are both fine, hopefully I will get to see them soon... if they want to...

 

**Thursday**

Finding my stride on the ward now, the staff seem to respect me but it is so very difficult to work to the NHS rules and regulations.

Couldn't stop thinking of Alex today, a patient I treated reminded me of her and I got out my phone to send her a message, re-typing it several times before I deleted it... what good would it do?

Is she thinking of me?

 

**Saturday**

Finally a text from Charlotte so a good day even though it was very brief. Lines of communication back... hopefully

Marcus went out while I sorted through some things in the house... it feels like years since I properly lived here, well it is really apart from leave time... hardly any.

Thought of Alex again and wanted to get in touch... I won't though... it would not be a good thing... I wonder how she is doing?

I also thought about Serena Campbell... strange... we have only chatted once... I have seen her around in the distance... I would like to get to know her, maybe next week I will see if she would like a coffee.

I feel so alone even though I am back in the family home. I miss army life even though I am really still recovering from my injuries... I know I won't go back and that makes me depressed.

Maybe I will contact Alex... soon...?


	4. Chapter 4

**Tuesday**

Ric was back today, looks right down his nose at me but I gave as good as I got. He shouldn't underestimate me. He was really hard on Dom today, I like Dom, think we will be good mates.

Ric seems to pull rank and get something out of that, he is terrified he will lose control of his ward, he doesn't like someone as equal to him calling the shots. He did however let me into theatre so all in all that was a positive step. Working with him is tiresome though... not sure how long I can hack it...

Missing the army, missing Alex, missing everything about my old life...

I went to text her again tonight while Marcus was upstairs, I didn't send the message but I am keeping them in case one evening I feel braver...

I waited until Marcus was asleep before going up to bed... cowardly... we should just talk.

 

**Tuesday (week later)  
**

I saw Serena this morning in Pulses, only briefly but she was friendly to me, she has warm, kind eyes, I thought I should ask her to go for a proper coffee soon.

Sacha thinks I am hard and a tough nut, he wanted me to go softly with a patient today but I did my own thing... instinct.. It was me in charge of running the ward so my way!

Backfired slightly as she made a complaint and I ended up in front of Hanssen again... joy. I have to prove myself... big time... to stay.

I saw Serena again later in the day while I was taking 5 minutes peace outside. We had a brief chat, I like her, she has a soothing voice and I feel relaxed in her company. She said I should call her when I want a chat... I should have asked for her number but Sacha wanted me to go quickly to see my patient.

Told Hanssen I wanted to stay and not just as a locum... the place is growing on me.

Went for drinks with the team and saw Serena again... we had a nice chat.

I made the effort to cook for Marcus tonight... his favourite. We did chat but was awkward... I do have to make a go of this...

 

**Friday**

Hectic day, had coffee with Dom though, was nice.

Alex is still in my thoughts. Sent a text to Cam, no reply as yet. I want to see him... if he isn't too busy.

Fitting in slightly more now, it is so hard after life in the army though, it doesn't all come naturally to me but I am going to make a go of this!!

 

**Monday**

Long, long day was dog tired but ended up staying on the ward and operating on a fractured penis! Stayed to play cards with the team, was a laugh... fitting in a bit more.

Marcus was annoyed as I was working all night... I sent a text but he still wants the whole work/life balance thing sorted.


	5. Chapter 5

**Tuesday**

Don't know where to start, I saw Alex today, it was wonderful and also heart breaking. My head is so full of what happened today, feel really depressed tonight. Why couldn't I make her see how much she means to me, she doesn't understand and doesn't get it. I know I don't love Marcus, I think I loved her... still love her...

She said to find her when I am ready... am I? Will I ever be ready to go there properly? Everything out in the open? It's truly terrifying.

Saw Serena on the way in this morning, would like a proper chat with her soon, we always seem to pass each other or are rushing to be somewhere else or interrupted. I think we could be good friends. She offered to buy me a drink in Albie's when I saw her in there but I knew I had to go home, I had to face Marcus and tell him it's over...

Dom also tried to help me see things clearly today... I am in denial... I know... I have caused so much hurt. I am a coward... need to be braver...

Told Marcus tonight I want us to separate. He could tell I had been drinking so not sure if he took it seriously. I said we need to split up, it isn't working.

He grabbed me by the hand and demanded to know why... I couldn't say... not the truth.

My heart feels like it is breaking today, not just for Marcus and my marriage, mainly for Alex...

 

**Wednesday**

Felt like death, hungover and on a day off. Stayed in bed... Marcus slept in the spare room. Heard him go out and he was out all day.

Spent the day lounging about, not like me at all, my head is all over the place. My marriage is over... everything is messed up.

Text Cam and Charlotte, didn't tell them what had happened just wanted a response, got one from Cam, short and sweet but not from Charlotte yet.

 

**Friday**

Work busy, spent the night in pub with Dom getting drunk, looked for Serena but couldn't see her today, could have done with a chat. Dom made me feel slightly better, he said I can be myself now. Should I call Alex? Something is stopping me, not sure what...

Moving out tomorrow into a hotel, tension is too much at the house.

 

**Monday**

Spent the day working with Serena, was great. She helped me when the divorce petition was served to me in the middle of the ward - humiliating, we had a chat in the office and she was on my side, felt nice. She is divorced too, her ex husband sounds like a tosser.

So now I am going through divorce proceedings myself at 51 years old, my life is starting again, literally...

Marcus text me with abuse all day and I ended up telling him to f*** off numerous times, so glad I am staying at the hotel. He finally text tonight wanting to talk... not sure if I can be bothered after all that.

Worked in theatre with Serena this afternoon, she is talented... she has beautiful eyes.

I took her for a drink after work and it was lovely, we really click and get on. It was the first time for hours at a time that I didn't think of Alex...


	6. Chapter 6

**Tuesday**

Totally crap day all round, where do I begin.... Marcus was here at Holby to start with. He took my theatre slot and took me by complete surprise being there working at all.

Cocked up majorly by sending my text to Dom (about being discrete about Alex) to the wrong person so technically outed myself to the whole hospital in the process... total humiliation.

Marcus found out and was absolutely furious with me. My lies, deceit and betrayal written all over is face. He said no more amicable play with the divorce...

Serena found out too, not how I wanted her to find out, she looked so disappointed in me that I hadn't told her... hadn't been honest. Maybe I have blown our friendship before it has even got started... the thing is... I like her... a lot... this is driving me mad. When I saw her today my heart stopped... didn't expect this to happen and now she hates me.

**Wednesday**

Urrrrr these days seem to be getting worse, people were looking at me all day, rumour mill in full force, everyone knows.

Dom was mad with me because I accused him of telling everyone when I sent my text to the wrong Dominic, I can be so stupid sometimes.

I saw Serena briefly... I was in Pulses and saw her get into the lift, she saw me but didn't smile and carried on. It hurt...

Marcus has no doubt told the kids by now. I'm anxious about how they will react.

Don't even feel like getting in touch with Alex... I do think about her but I am more mad that I have upset Serena... crazy, I barely know her...

**Friday**

Called in sick today, can't hack the looks from everyone... it will blow over by next week. Stayed in bed, ordered room service and cried, not like me but everything got on top of me.

**Saturday**

Had a fight with Marcus at the house as I wanted to collect the rest of my stuff, hardly anything really, it could all fit in 2 suitcases and my holdall... my life...

He eventually let me in to collect it and then slammed the door after me when I left. He didn't say what he has told the kids... if anything? I hope they don't hate me...

Didn't do anything else with the rest of the day. Didn't feel like it...

**Sunday**

Went to the hotel health club and joined. Managed to swim and hit the treadmill to work off my excess energy. I feel awful... generally.

Got some new clothes in the afternoon... new clothes for my new life... feels daunting... everything...


	7. Chapter 7

**Monday**

Gave Serena a lift home after work as her car had been stolen!!! Was awkward at first, I didn't know what to say to her while I drove.

She did make conversation with me though, was nervous, I could smell her perfume and it made my head swim. I don't know what is happening to me!! When she got out of the car at her house she looked at me and smiled. I thought she now hated my guts, really hoping we can still be friends...

Got back to the hotel after picking up a takeaway and now sat watching TV... mindlessly. I keep thinking about where I have gone wrong with the people in my life... Cam, Charlotte, Marcus, Alex and I have even hurt my new friend... why do I hurt people? I never mean to...

 

**Tuesday**

Had such a laugh at work today... can't stop thinking about it... we had a guy with a tap stuck up his backside and i had to yank it out!!

Made Serena take a look to make her laugh, she found it hilarious and it broke the awkwardness big time.. she ended up arm wrestling me to see who would do the honours in theatre... let her win... she was having a shit day. She looked at me when we were arm wrestling and my heart literally stopped beating... I don't know what this feeling is...

When she looks at me or touches me slightly it feels like an electric current is running through me... what is this...?

I asked her if she wanted to go for a drink after work as her day had been so bloody awful but she didn't feel like it... was gutted... not sure where I stand with her now... hopefully we will still be friends...?

Went for a swim tonight... always makes me feel better... clears my head... I hardly thought of Alex today = progress? Is it really though? Do I want to make a go of things with her? Should I call? Something is stopping me and I think her name is Serena Campbell...

 

**Thursday**

Better day on the ward, Ric was actually ok to work with today, for a change!!!

Jac pissed me off though, looking down her nose at my suggestions in theatre, she thinks she is better than me!!

Had to text Marcus about the divorce and got one word answers back... he clearly hates me.

No text back from Charlotte but got a reply from Cam, he has a kind heart, he said he will be in touch soon to see me... I miss him so much.

Didn't see Serena today, not sure whether when I see her next I should ask her to go for a coffee... maybe she won't want to anymore...

Had a dream about her last night and woke up sweating... my head is all over the place...

 

**Sunday**

Spent most of the day in the hotel health club. Working out helps at the moment... I am so confused... Why do I like Serena so much?

I liked Alex and couldn't get her out of my head only a few weeks ago so this is all changing... Alex said to go and find her when I had sorted my life out... I could call her and we could meet up now I am getting divorced but I can't... I have feelings for Serena which have come completely out of the blue...

I actually want to get my divorce finalised and move on... mentally.

Will just focus on my job and settling more into Holby... the place grows on you and I want to settle down, get to know my kids again and find myself...


	8. Chapter 8

**Monday**

Serena was back at work today, was great to see her even though I was nervous...

I had put my welcome back package on her desk, too nervous to hand it to her myself. She didn't open it until much later in the day and mentioned it when we were in Albie's, think she liked it!

Hanssen had told Serena earlier that I was in AAU to oversee things which she did not take well at all!! Thought we were going to be back to square one again regarding our friendship and thought she was actually going to walk out of her job today, I felt truly awful.

Think my gift may have done the trick as the next thing I knew I was called to see Hanssen and Serena was in there offering me an official job as Co-Lead of AAU, such a turn around and felt elated. I do really really like her... so much.

We went for a drink afterwards... felt lovely.

 

**Tuesday**

First day Co-Leading AAU officially... was really very busy, feels so good to have a proper position at Holby and working with Serena... this could be a blessing or a curse... seeing her everyday... working with her so closely. I am so very attracted to her, I hope she can't tell that would be humiliating and not to mention awkward as hell!

My thoughts of Alex are diminishing, I don't want to call her... I know I won't.

Had a text from Charlotte today, just one sentence asking how I am... progress though...

Marcus and I are sorting the whole divorce mess out slowly... it is painful and I feel like an utter failure.

 

**Sunday**

Moved into my new rented flat, it is nice and will do for now.

Hurt my back lifting and carrying all day, moving furniture etc.

Spent the evening in a really hot bath to try to numb the pain and endless painkillers... feeling sorry for myself!

 

 **Monday** (week after)

Back really hurt at work. I met Jason today, he is really so funny, I like him. He said Serena had told him all about me... what.. I don't know except she must have said she didn't like my hair or something...

Serena was in an unpredictable mood today all round... one minute friendly and the next she had her back up and was defensive with me.

We had a moment in the office though... something shifted and it was like we had this close friendship again... she opened up to me and then offered to take a look at my back... when she touched me... god... it felt like electricity surging through my veins... I was speechless... literally and couldn't speak.

Did she feel anything too? Was she aware of the effect she had... has on me? God... where is this going...


	9. Chapter 9

**Tuesday**

Oh god why do I like Serena Campbell so much... why did this have to happen? I wasn't looking for it... it just happened... came out of nowhere and hit me round the head... attraction... god my heart pounds when she is next to me... why can't I control this... my feelings...

We worked well together in theatre again today, always do. Sometimes we can communicate with just our eyes... really quite powerful.

I need to get over this infatuation immediately... no good will come of it... how though????

I must try to cook more, can't rely on ready meals for the microwave forever... maybe I will buy some cook books, maybe get really good and then invite Serena over for a  meal?? No No NO, what am I thinking!!! She can't come round here, too much temptation, anyway maybe I could cook for the kids sometime...

 

**Thursday**

God Serena's eyes are so god damn beautiful, every time I look at her I can feel myself falling into them... this has to stop!!!!

Why could I not have the same amazing banter and friendship starting and not be attracted to her. Why do I have to be? This has to get out of my head...

Went to the gym tonight... releasing energy... physically is a good thing!!

Another rude text from Marcus... idiot... no I am not going to change my mind!!!!

Going for a drink with Dom tomorrow night should be a laugh, much needed...

 

**Friday**

Work busy, got drunk with Dom told him I like Serena... he just laughed and said it was a no go... I said I couldn't help it and he said I looked like I had it bad... I do... can't stop thinking of her.

She brushed past me in the office today and sent electric shocks down my arm... surely that isn't normal... that reaction... oh god I can't stop thinking about her eyes, her lips, the smell of her perfume... must not show this to her, must not.... must act appropriately... like a normal Co-Lead or friend would... must stop staring at her.

The flat is growing on me... maybe I can settle here for a while...

 

 **Tuesday** (Following week)

Difficult day... Arthur's funeral... Serena was so upset, I tried to be there for her at work and as a friend... she cried in front of me and I was too stunned to do much except make a half arsed attempt of comforting her. She let me put my arm round her though... felt... actually it hurt because I couldn't pull her closer and kiss her... kiss her sadness away... help... I truly need help...

We went for a drink at the wake and she smiled at me... god that smile... was a hard day... what am I doing... must stop thinking about Serena in that way... she is my colleague and good friend... that's all.......?


	10. Chapter 10

**Thursday**

Really like working on AAU and fitting in nicely. Lots of trauma patient issues to get my teeth into, it is challenging and thrilling in equal measure.

Divorce stuff still dragging on, Marcus is determined to have the upper hand, what did I ever see in him? We were best mates once...

Starting to make the flat a bit more like my place, got 2 cook books and going to make an effort to make some of the recipes... starting tomorrow, will make something new after work.

Serena wasn't in today... day off... I held back from texting her... I wanted to... missed her.

 

**Friday**

Quiet day on the wards, went for a drink with AAU after work. Serena was quite tipsy tonight was funny... at one point she touched my leg and I almost jumped out of my skin... I definitely flinched... not because the touch wasn't wanted... because it was...

We got separate taxi's at the end of the evening... really wanted to suggest we share and invite her to mine for a drink but didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable... feelings are so awkward... wish I could control them.

Didn't manage to try one of the new recipes... maybe tomorrow... still on microwave meals!!!

 

**Sunday**

Was at work this morning catching up on paperwork, gym in afternoon- working out makes me feel better and gets rid of the physical feelings for at least an hour...

Truth is I miss Serena when I don't see her, I haven't thought about Alex in a few days, definitely not going to call her.

 

**Tuesday**

Been getting the new trauma unit up and ready to go. Stayed late to finish it off for tomorrow. Serena asked me to go for a drink to celebrate but I was too knackered and not in the mood to keep everything in check around her so declined... maybe tomorrow...

 

**Wednesday**

Day trauma unit opened... was stressful and quite a day in fact...

Serena was so supportive today and really made me feel good about what we are achieving. She was so stressed about so many things... I really wanted to just take it all away for her - Jason wanting to bring a girl round for tea, the board meeting paperwork to get on top of, Jason getting into some sort of trouble with the girl and the girl ending up in hospital, it was all too much and we took a break (after I came back from my meeting with the lawyer - bloody Marcus being an uber pain!!!).

Serena and I spoke outside... I tried to reassure her that nothing was her fault and she smiled at me... god that smile... she also gave me a look... hope she didn't notice me gazing at her too much!!

She handed in her notice to quit being part of the board. Went for a drink in Albie's afterwards with Jason too. The way she smiled at me... Jesus... she is so beautiful...

God my feelings... I think I am in love with her... I know I am...


	11. Chapter 11

**Friday**

Work fine, busy but good, went for a drink with Dom... managed to get pretty tipsy. Invited Serena but she had already promised to watch a film at home with Jason this evening, might be imagining it but she looked like she wanted to come for a drink.

She had mentioned earlier today that there was a film at the cinema she wanted to see but me being me just kept quiet and nodded. What I should have done was asked her if she would like to go with me!!!! Would that be good or bad though... sitting in the dark next to her... not sure I would be able to control the urge to reach for her hand and hold it.

Dom was ripping the piss out of me tonight for being what he calls 'love sick'. I just laughed but I know it's true....

 

**Sunday**

Really quiet weekend, should have said I could work... wanted to text Serena as she was working today... held back though... this thing... my feelings are overwhelming me... my appetite has gone and I can't stop thinking about her.

Had lots of divorce paper stuff to read through carefully so that kept me occupied also went for a swim.

Must try cooking... haven't started yet... this week...

 

**Monday**

Morven was back today.... she seems so lost and vulnerable. Tried to support her as best I could... I know Serena will be a huge support to her too.

Serena looked particularly beautiful today... I hope she hasn't picked up on my feelings for her... that would be a disaster. It is so completely awkward to be around her at the moment though, I have pulled back slightly and I think she can tell... she may ask me about it... hopefully not... can't have a truthful conversation!!!

We did go for a drink at Albie's after work though with Morven and Raf... Serena was fairly tipsy and at one point her leg touched mine under the table.... I felt myself go cold as she didn't move it immediately away... her leg touched mine for about half an hour before I stood up to go to the toilet and she looked at me with a smile... I swear my heart stopped...

 

**Tuesday**

Both worked a long day today, she bought me lunch from Pulses to have at lunchtime as she knew I had forgotten to bring my salad. Very sweet of her... does she not realise that her being so adorable makes it so much worse for me!!!

If she could just be mean or horrible then maybe I would get over my feelings for her... they just seem to be getting more intense. As she passed by my desk late this afternoon in the office she put her hand gently on my shoulder to help herself reach something and my heart stopped again... I swear...

She must realise that I never touch her... I know she is tactile but even so...

She had to rush home after work to get Jason a late supper. I wanted to ask her if she fancied going for a quick bite to eat with me but actually relieved that I didn't get the opportunity if I am honest... would be torture...

Sent a text to Charlotte when got home to see how she is... she was on my mind as I treated a patient in the trauma unit today who looked slightly like her. Not sure if I will get a reply...


	12. Chapter 12

**Thursday**

Work is so busy at the moment, hardly got to see Serena at all today... maybe a good thing, there is this tension between us. I swear when she smiles at me my heart breaks a little as I can't tell her how I feel about her... **  
**

Completed two successful major operations though today, went swimming tonight and actually cooked a meal from scratch... pasta bake but it's a start, wasn't actually too bad!

 

**Friday**

Just got home, it's late... had to write about my evening though as Serena invited me round for tea tonight at her house. Still buzzing from her asking me.

Her home is so classy, elegant and homely... it's really lovely. She's lovely... she cooked a roast dinner and it felt so comforting to be in her house.

Jason was very chatty while we were eating and was asking me about my time in the army. Serena looked at me a few times this evening... I swear there is a tension between us... I think she knows I am attracted to her, she would be blind not to notice. It is so difficult to act normal around her and not pull her into a kiss at every opportunity.

We sat drinking wine after dinner and chatted about our childhoods, it was nice... too nice... at one point she leant her head on my shoulder when talking about hard times in her life. I put my arm around her but was trembling... I hope she couldn't tell...

She stayed like that for a good few minutes before moving to make us some coffee's. I reluctantly left at 11pm... she looked disappointed but I knew I had to get home, was finding it too much to be that close to her, sitting right there beside her and not being able to touch her like I want to.

How the hell do I stop these feelings... I need to stop them now before I lose control...

 

**Tuesday**

I swear to god Serena was flirting with me today, I know she flirts with everyone but this was different... she was different with me today... I could feel it...

She did this short adorable speech about Jason coming to work on the ward and she got embarrassed... too adorable... I wanted to kiss her there and then and tell her how cute she is!!!

She kept holding my gaze when I looked at her and that is a fairly new thing... we laughed and joked around all day especially over the wifi guy!

Banter... that's what we have... have I ever had this before as much with anyone else... no... it feels amazing!!

When we were stood talking to Jason at the nurses station she was touching me... our arms brushing and the feelings... god... I could hardly take in what Jason was talking about... she makes me crazy... Serena... how do I stop liking her so much... I need to know... my heart can't take it!!

We went to Albie's after our shifts finished for a drink... god she looked gorgeous. My heart stopped as it was a traffic lights night and when Serena was handed the device to use, she put it on red straight away... this is Serena Campbell flirt extraordinaire. Not open to being chatted up then, why's that???!!

To be fair I put mine on red too, she noticed and grinned at me... her beautiful eyes sparkling... god I must have so much willpower - very proud of myself!!

Got home to find more divorce paperwork to look through and sign in the post - will this ever end??


	13. Chapter 13

**Thursday**

Worked with Ric today, we don't seem to get on no matter how hard I try... rub each other up the wrong way so to speak.

Serena was off today having worked a lot of overtime last week. I missed her... thought about texting her but didn't... using my willpower to the max at the moment!!

Had a call from Cam tonight, really surprised... was good to talk to him, hopefully he will put in a good word for me with Charlotte, fingers crossed anyway. He seems to be doing well at the moment, would love to see him soon.

 

**Saturday**

Serena invited me over for lunch today, I could so get used to this... spending time together outside work, it feels so natural and so right, you would think she would be sick of me by the weekend having worked together all week!!

I said I would invite her over to mine soon... need to work on my cooking... she laughed and shrugged indicating that it didn't matter to her.

Spent the afternoon then in her garden which is beautiful... Jason does most of it... helps him to relax apparently. We sat drinking coffee and chatting about anything and everything... not quite everything though... really.

I left at 6pm even though I was invited to stay for tea as well. I just couldn't stop staring at her and it was making me feel uncomfortable myself. Being in her home actually makes my heart ache even more for her. To spend weekends together is a dream for me... knowing it won't be like I want it to hurts...

 

**Monday**

Oh god... bloody awful day all round...

Cam turned up at the hospital having been in an accident with his older girlfriend Keely who I know!!! What was he thinking... any of it...

Serena came through big time for me today... feeling so guilty tonight, she lied to the police... for me... god... how do we get past this...

She thinks I don't appreciate her and everything we have worked hard for together, she couldn't be more wrong...

Before leaving for the day she looked at me with disappointment in her beautiful eyes and said defending the indefensible was an act of love. She did that for me today... I love her I know I do but how does she feel about me... why did she say that to me... why did she help me with the police.... this is Serena Campbell with such a high regard for morals and doing the right thing and she supported me through and through.

I sent her a text when I got home to show my appreciation, wanted to go round to see her but thought it not best... sent - 'Serena, I am so sorry about today, please forgive me, I do appreciate you so much and what we have worked for, I will never take anything we have for granted again, love Bernie x'.

She replied straight back... 'I have your back, we have each others, we'll be fine, S x'.

Read this over and over and thought over today, she knows that I like her I just know it so why did she help me today when she didn't need to, I would have understood that she couldn't lie to the police. Why did she say it was love - defending the indefensible? Does she care for me more than a friend? Is that just wishful thinking....


	14. Chapter 14

**Wednesday**

Serena wasn't in today, Raf seemed really fed up with his home life and Fletch was beside himself when his daughter was brought onto AAU - tough shift, really wished Serena had been there to help with everything, she is a calming presence and knows Evie Fletcher well.

Had to operate on her with Raf, tough knowing Fletch was outside, he was so upset when she was brought onto the ward.

Had a double whiskey when got home, actually managed to cook again... from scratch... mushroom risotto, had to follow the recipe carefully but it turned out surprisingly well!

I sent a text to Serena to see how her day off had been and also told her about Evie Fletcher... thought she would want to know. We ended up texting for a bit tonight, in the end I stopped it by saying 'goodnight x' and she replied with the same. Oh god I want to say that to her every night... preferably to her face but if it's by text for now I will take that over nothing. Can't wait to see her at work tomorrow...

 

**Thursday**

Had a text from Charlotte today, feel relieved. Planning on taking her and Cam for lunch on Saturday, that will feel so good, to see them both and catch up, it's been a long time since I sat round a table with them both so looking forward to it already.

Work hectic, had lunch with Serena, her treat. She seems fine with me over the whole police thing now. The banter is back and I am really trying hard to behave myself by not staring at her all the time, must focus on work... am really trying to.

Doesn't help when she asks for my help though with something. Jason was upset at home because the Sky box had broken and he wanted me to take a look. I said I wasn't an expert but Serena asked if I would go round and see what the problem was after work. Of course I happily obliged and was invited to stay for dinner.

I really love being at Serena's with her and Jason. I managed to fix the Sky box for Jason and he was so happy! Just needed re-booting and re-loading the channels. Serena smiled at me in her kitchen... a full proper smile and my heart melted. I'm sure I gazed right back at her but then made myself look away and ask if I could help with the cooking. She is an excellent cook... I will have to get much better before inviting her round to mine.

 

**Saturday**

Had a nice lunch out with Cam and Charlotte... felt so good to see them both, they both look well and working hard at the moment. Charlotte seems very mature for her age and I don't know where she gets her very feminine style from! Cam gave me a hug and then I gave Charlotte one, she seemed a little awkward but i'm sure it will be fine next time.

Heard about Marcus and how he is doing - not so good apparently. Cam thinks I have turned him to drink, I replied that he drank anyway but Cam thinks he is letting the house get into a bit of a state... what can I do??? We are getting divorced, it's not up to me to sort him or the house out. Charlotte said she would speak to him and we moved onto the subject of holidays. They both want to go away with their friends in the Summer and trying to earn some extra cash. Charlotte asked if there was any admin work going at the hospital... I said I would ask.

Had a text from Serena tonight asking how lunch had gone. She is so adorable and it was very sweet of her to ask. We spent the evening texting back and forth... this is turning into a habit... one I really should break but gives me such a high. She ended the text tonight saying she was going to sleep... I wonder if she knows what that does to me inside knowing she is in bed ready to drift off... to be honest it makes my heart hurt.

 

**Sunday**

Quieter day... chores, gym and tried to cook another meal - attempted a roast dinner as I thought I could ask Serena and Jason over soon if I was more confident in making one. It turned out ok... need to get better at gravy though, maybe another attempt before asking them round. Should smarten up the place a bit more too. If Serena likes it here then maybe I could ask her round more...

What am I thinking... terrible idea, must not get closer to her than I already am, would be a disaster for my already fragile heart!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Wednesday**

Do not know even where to begin writing about what happened yesterday... couldn't write things down last night but need to make sense of everything... think I have gone temporarily insane... I kissed Serena in the heat of the moment on the theatre floor of all places... it just happened... I hadn't planned on it, obviously I have thought about it many times but wasn't going to go there.

The biggest surprise of all was that she kissed me back... holy shit!!!!!! I saw her looking at my lips for a brief second so went for it without properly thinking... our faces were so close and she had just calmed me down in the most lovely way... she said I was fearless and fantastic... her eyes looked so beautiful that I just melted and leaned in... Jesus what was I thinking!!!

She pulled away just for a second and then leaned back into my lips with force grasping for me and it was the most amazing kiss ever... truly.

Now my head is all over the place... we kissed for a few minutes and then someone was trying to get into the theatre so we pulled apart quickly, stood up and left the room... together but we didn't speak until we got back to the office.

I asked her if she was ok and she nodded but grabbed her bag and said she had to go... I nodded, staring at her and then she was gone.

Wanted to text her last night to see if she was ok but thought I should give her some space... thoughts are swirling round my mind... well just one thought... she bloody kissed me back!!!! She could have pulled away when I kissed her and said thanks but no thanks... i.e not for me... or what the hell did you do that for Bernie... which is what I was expecting to be honest just after my lips touched hers.

But no.... her lips crashed against mine... this coming from her and we were kissing deeply for at least a couple of minutes... it felt AMAZING!!!!!

Today, I was on a day off as had been doing overtime. Again I wanted to text Serena but didn't... should I have checked she was ok... probably... coward... didn't know what to say!

Fletch still not good, feel so bad, we should have sectioned that guy... big regrets...

 

**Friday**

Serena called in sick... or she is avoiding me, us or what happened... most likely all three!!!

Busy today running things on my own, my willpower broke around lunchtime and I sent her a text to see how she was - sent 'Serena, I hope you are ok, let me know if there is anything I can do to help or anything you need, Bernie x'.

Morven came in on her day off as we were short staffed so everyone rallied round.

Finally got a text back from Serena at 4pm saying... (and I keep reading this over and over again) 'Just under the weather, nothing you have done, stop worrying, will let you know if I need anything, you are sweet, hopefully be back on Monday, S x'.

Waited for half an hour before I replied with 'Hope you feel better soon, hope we can talk on Monday and we are ok? Love Bernie x'.

Rest of shift was quieter and went for a drink with Dom, he listened patiently to what had happened between me and Serena promising that he would keep it to himself - he better!!! Serena would not like anyone else knowing, i'm sure of it. His advice was useless - get her drunk I think he said. I replied that I am not like that, I really care about her and will see how she feels about things in time, will let her take the lead I think...

Finally got a reply from Serena at 8.30pm saying she still felt rough but Jason was looking after her and of course we were fine. She didn't mention the kiss or talking about it. Not sure what to think about that only really thinking that she kissed me back!!!! Ok this is going to be a long weekend...

 

**Sunday**

Think I am slowly going out of my head over what happened, didn't hear from Serena yesterday and been too much of a coward to text her.

Spent morning swimming and afternoon just staring at a film on Sky thinking about Serena kissing me back and about what will happen tomorrow when we see each other again. I keep thinking that she must like me a bit too otherwise she wouldn't have leaned in for us to kiss again. She could have stopped it after I planted a kiss on her but she didn't. Why did she kiss me back and then why were we at it for a few minutes at least?

What would have happened if someone hadn't disturbed us by trying to get into the theatre pulling at the door that was locked... would we have carried on? I will never know...

By 8pm I thought sod it and sent her a text - sent 'How are you feeling? Any better? Just checking you will be in tomorrow? Hope so, Bernie x'.

Re-watched some of the same film as I really hadn't been concentrating on it earlier and had a double whiskey... felt like I needed it!!!

She replied an hour later with 'Thank you for checking on me, feeling better, will see you tomorrow, hope you are ok? S x'.

My last text to her before I fell asleep was... 'I'm ok if you are ok, I hope we are ok, glad you are feeling better Serena, goodnight, B x'.


	16. Chapter 16

**Monday**

I don't know what happened today... at all. Think I am perhaps the biggest idiot on the planet by suggesting we put a halt to anything progressing. Serena seemed very uncomfortable all day so I decided to take charge of the situation so she wouldn't be uncomfortable any more.

Thinking back over things now... not sure it was what either of us want but the pressure was getting too much for me. She seemed to be looking at me for clues on where it was heading and I couldn't handle it... I would mess everything up and I can't do that to her.

Why did I have to go and give that stupid speech about keeping things confined to theatre and how we have undeniable sexual chemistry... which we do. She was sitting there looking all hopeful and smiling at me shyly and then... her face when I said it was wise to keep things as they are... she looked crestfallen.

Day was pretty weird all round... when I got to work and we were both in the lift... awkward isn't the word!!! I thought we were ok and were going to talk but Serena rushed out of the lift before I had a chance to speak to her. Then we were straight into work and trying to help Fletch, he is still in a bad way but at least woke up today.

Serena seemed flustered most of the day and said she was very busy... I did see her looking at me at times and during lunch we sat quietly in the office but not talking about anything to do with the kiss... us... her... me...

She said in the afternoon before theatre that she was terrified or I had terrified her... not what I wanted at all hence the pulling back from things. She was the one who suggested going for a drink though after work so not sure where her mind was at with that...

All in all I am now in bed and feel... disappointed in myself for the way I have handled things, frustrated that we aren't starting something, angry at myself for being a coward and pulling back at the first sign of things becoming actually something... why do I always do that??? I need therapy...

 

**Wednesday**

Yesterday I didn't see Serena all day despite both of us being in work but on different shifts. I was in theatre most of the day and she was covering on Keller for some of it.

Went to the gym after work and sent Cam a text to see if he wants to come round for pizza tomorrow night and a catch up. He replied saying yes which made me so happy... can't wait to see him.

Sent Serena a text tonight.. I might have had a few glasses of whiskey... sent - 'I hope you are ok Serena, I miss you, are we ok? Bernie x'.

Had a bath while I waited in anticipation for her reply... thought it may relax me but not so much...

She replied two hours later!!!!! with 'Yeah kind of ok, miss you too, are you on earlies tomorrow, want to get breakfast when I start? S x'.

She misses me... what does that mean... or is she just being polite because I said I miss her...

Sent back straight away - ' I would really like that, my treat though, see you around 9am, sleep well, B x'.

Was just falling asleep when my phone flashed with 'Great, see you then, thank you, goodnight, S x'.

 

**Thursday**

Had a good day, was in work early and then met Serena for breakfast at Pulses before she started. She seemed fine with me, we didn't talk about the kiss or us though... stuck to 'safe topics' of conversation which was fine was just glad to see her.

She asked me before we went back to AAU how I was doing and I was kind of honest which I hadn't planned to be... I said I was feeling a bit down and she nodded as if understanding why. She reached for my hand and squeezed it, suggesting we take some more coffee's with us and gave me a wink before we stood up and left for the ward.

I was looking after Fletch for most of the day with Raf... he really scared us at one point because he couldn't feel his spine. We kind of sorted things eventually and he is stable again... such a relief. I barely saw Serena, she was covering again on Keller for a bit and also trying to help me behind the scenes with getting tests done promptly.

Most of the team were heading to Albie's after work for drinks... but I was looking forward to seeing Cam for pizza. It was so good to see him and catch up. He actually asked my advice about women which made me laugh... I am certainly no expert. There's this girl he likes on his course and he really wants to ask her out for coffee. I said he should go for it and see what happens. Like I take my own advice.... pulling back from anything starting with Serena.

Cam asked me how Serena was with a smirk and I blurted out that I had kissed her. He touched my arm kindly then and said I could talk about it if I wanted to... kind of awkward but I did say that I had stopped things progressing because Serena had seemed uncomfortable.

He suggested that of course she may be after only being with men but it didn't necessarily mean she hasn't got feelings for me. I shrugged and he suggested I talk to her... yes good idea... awkward as hell but I am going to try to speak with her about it. I should have asked her what she wants rather than taking the decision for us both.

Cam said that Serena seems lovely and that if I truly have feelings for her then I shouldn't run away from them. He talks good sense... really very proud of him.

Serena sent me a text later on tonight to see how I was and asked after Cam, she sent - 'I hope you are feeling a bit better? I am always here for you. Hope Cam was ok and you had a nice time with him? Drinks were ok not same without you there, S x'.

My heart lurched... she is always here for me... think she missed me at Albie's... what are we doing...

I sent one text back even though I could have text her for hours... back and forth... sent - 'Was lovely seeing Cam thank you, I am feeling... like I may have been an idiot about things... thank you for being there for me, don't know where I would be without you Serena, see you tomorrow, B x'.

She sent one back after half an hour, while I was drifting off to sleep... 'You are never an idiot, you always put other people's feelings first if you get my drift, sometimes it is about what you want too. I am always here, you just have to say if I can help you, goodnight Bernie, see you tomorrow, S x'.


	17. Chapter 17

**Saturday**

I didn't see Serena yesterday and now have a quiet weekend where my thoughts are swirling round my mind just thinking of her. What I really want is to spend the weekend with her... I want to kiss her again and I am not sure what to do about it or where to go from here. Things are... well there is still a sexual tension between us... I definitely feel it.

Didn't do much today, chores, gym, text Cam and Charlotte to see how they are and collapsed in front of the TV.

Must start trying the cooking thing again... have let it lapse. I want to invite Serena round for dinner soon so maybe I should practice another dish tomorrow.

 

**Monday**

Today was brilliant... teasing Ric together over that French patient... it was like the old us again... the flirting and looks between us... intense and well... they make my heart stop.

Serena makes me feel like I have never felt before and that terrifies me. It felt so good to laugh with her again though. She gave me a look in her office and held it... my heart was beating fast...

She went for a drink with Ric after work... I was invited but wasn't in the mood for Ric to be honest and made an excuse.

Went for a swim and made another chicken pasta bake... getting quite good at it but wouldn't be posh enough to serve up for Serena, I will try making another more elegant pasta dish this week.

I sent Serena a text later tonight to see if she had a nice evening with Ric (not sure why I did this really, maybe as an excuse to text her... yes definitely) sent - 'Hope you had fun with Ric and not too drunk, I am on lates tomorrow so maybe see you at lunchtime? B x'.

Had a bath while I waited for her reply which came an hour later, think she was tipsy.... she replied with 'Drinks were good, think I may have had too many, how are you? Missed you tonight though, yes see you lunchtime in the office, S X'.

Ok... so thoughts on that text - she missed me and sent a big kiss at the end of the text... what does that mean??!!! Oh god I am too old to be interpreting kisses on text messages!!!

I sent back - 'Are you drunk Serena? I'm ok just very tired, make sure you have a big glass of water and pills before bed, you don't want a hangover! Will bring you lunch up when I arrive tomorrow, love Bernie x'.

Lay in bed reading until I got a reply... another hour later, she sent back - 'I'm not drunk thank you very much, just tipsy! You are sweet though to make sure I am ok, I did miss you tonight, not sure if I told you. Thanks for offering to bring me lunch tomorrow, you are lovely, goodnight, S X'.

I felt myself blushing at her text and sent straight back - 'You are lovely too, goodnight Serena, love Bernie x'.

 

**Tuesday**

The flirting is building again... can't seem to help it... she makes me feel like I want to both tease her mercilessly and pull her into a passionate kiss all at once.

Arrived at lunchtime with her favourite salad and she smiled her amazing, gorgeous smile when I entered the office and put it down on her desk. We chatted and caught up on work... again 'safe topics' of conversation. I asked how her hangover was and she grinned at me... too adorable. She was obviously feeling better!

She was finishing at 3pm to take Jason somewhere and I was disappointed she was leaving early with me working until 8.30pm. I miss her when we aren't working together. She was in theatre until she left and I was caught up in the trauma unit so she left me a note on my desk which made my heart beat really fast....

It said - Bernie, you are welcome to come round for dinner when you finish your shift, I can dish up for Jason earlier and eat with you when you finish? No pressure see how you feel just text and let me know, love Serena x'.

My heart was pounding when I read the note... invited to hers... she will wait for me to eat her dinner, back to a small kiss but... first time she has written 'love Serena'.

I sent her a text straight away - 'Thank you for your lovely note, I would love that, thank you, very kind, will make sure I leave on time, see you later :) Bernie X'.

She got a big kiss this time!

I rushed over to hers and got there at 8.45pm. She looked so beautiful and pleased to see me. Jason was already in his room so we chatted in the kitchen while we ate dinner... Beef casserole was delicious. She smelled so gorgeous and it took all my willpower not to lean over and kiss her.

I am not sure where we are both at now... we were both gazing at each other quite a bit tonight and at one point she reached for my hand and didn't let go. I looked at her and she dazzled me with another of her beautiful smiles. God... where do we go from here...


	18. Chapter 18

**Tuesday (Week after)**

I haven't been able to write anything down until now, have been too upset and well... busy with transferring to Kiev to work for a bit. I needed to give Serena & I some space from each other. I still can't believe what happened last week, it hurts to think about it and how I behaved. I know I have hurt Serena and we may never get back what we were on the cusp of... of what we are to each other... I couldn't ruin it though... things were moving too fast and I got frightened.

I can't stop thinking of her eyes when she grabbed hold of my arms in the office with tears in her eyes when I said I was going, they haunt me.

Her kiss earlier that day had been incredible and then we had planned dinner... so why did I bolt when she said she was falling in love... because she deserves better than me... that's why... she is far too good and precious and I will ruin everything... I always hurt people who love me... I just can't do love... i'm no good at it.

I have written literally hundreds of texts to her this week that I haven't sent... I know she will hate me.

My room in the hospital is nice, paid for a nice one in the grounds. The people seem ok, everything is strange, it's what I need though. Everything got too much...

 

**Thursday**

The trauma unit is taking place... loads of work... this is a good thing, means I am too exhausted when I get in to do much. Means I can't stop thinking about the office... what happened... Serena kissing me... she was going to come round for dinner that night... would we have started something... yes we would have.

Raf must have got my email address from Hanssen as he emailed a short, sharp email saying I needed to contact Serena and apologise as she was so upset. I was not to say he had contacted me but she was really very down.

I have beyond ruined everything anyway... why do I destroy anything good in my life... bring on the shots of whiskey... I just want to hide.

 

**Tuesday (a week later)**

Trauma unit is looking good, enjoying it but my day's are spent thinking about why I bolted from Serena Campbell. I miss her so much... these feelings are so deep that I have for her and I will end up destroying us... perhaps I have already... her friendship means so much and I have no doubt completely halted that. She will hate me, we won't be able to work together anymore.

I know I said to her that I was doing it for her to have time and space to decide what she wants, which was partly true but I was terrified myself. She could ruin me too... if we had gone there and then she had changed her mind I would have wanted to die.

Had a text from Cam asking why I have run off to another country when he knew I loved my job at Holby on AAU. I replied that it's a personal matter and he text back saying he knew it was because of Serena and what the hell was going on...

I still haven't replied to this text. I have heard that I am officially divorced now... had an email from the lawyers... feels strange... relief... sadness... apprehension... excitement for the future... my future... on my terms...

 

**Saturday**

Went for a drink with some of the people working on the trauma unit, they seem nice, not like the AAU bunch though... they actually felt like a kind of family to me... caring... safe... great banter and trust. There it is again... my mind thinking of Serena... I wonder how she is doing... should I call her? Apologise? Beg for forgiveness... I can't just yet... she will no doubt hate me and never want to hear from me again.

 

**Tuesday**

Had an email from Serena's work email address today saying the hospital needs me... also she is tired of being angry. Do I reply? I need a strong drink to do that. Also had an email from lovely Jason from his personal email address saying how sad Serena is without me. Oh god what have I done... I know I love her... too scared to go there...

Any time I have loved and someone has loved me back it has ended in disaster... hurt... my heart broken... their heart broken... it's just too much... what do I do...??


	19. Chapter 19

**Monday (2 weeks later)**

Haven't felt like pouring my heart out in the last fortnight... truth is my heart hurts... the way I left Serena. I hate myself.

She must feel so embarrassed at our public display on the ward with her begging me not to go and me walking away from her... I know she will never forget that, she is a private person and that will have deeply embarrassed her.

I have done some long and hard thinking in the evenings... work has been busy during the day... don't think they really need me here now.

I have had a few texts from Serena that I haven't answered... why not... because I truly don't know what to say and I want to see her face to face to say the things I need to say to her... if we started text conversations... well... it wouldn't come across as heartfelt as I want it to.

I need her to know... tell her that I am deeply in love with her... if I can get the words out... and that terrifies me... it also terrifies me that she wants me back and we could actually make a go of it... together... like a real relationship... how do I do that as I seem to have messed up my other relationships... I also know that she deserves the very best relationship anyone could give her and well... I'm not up to the job am I???!!!

 

**Wednesday**

Another text from Serena saying 'I MISS YOU'...

That's it decided... I am going back... I can't stay away any longer and need to see her and be with her... if she will have me.. I know I have loads of making up to do for the way I have treated her... I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to speak to me again... she misses me though and I miss her... badly...

 

**Friday**

Told everyone on the trauma unit that I am leaving tomorrow and flying back to England late on Sunday afternoon. They said they have liked working with me and thanked me for all my help which was nice.

Went to the gym after work and then collapsed on my bed... I sent Hanssen an email saying I will be back on Monday and also emailed Jason to let him know so Serena knows without me actually having to text her. He emailed me back saying he had missed me but Serena had missed me the most. I emailed back asking him to give her a message... 'I'm truly sorry, I missed you too'.

 

**Sunday**

All ready for my flight home... and it is home to me. Got Serena a gift at the gift shop and treated myself to a new swanky ipod. Was able to download some music in the airport lounge so can listen on the flight.

I am counting down the hours until I can see Serena tomorrow, I have booked the airport hotel for tonight when I have landed as it will be late. God I have missed her... I can't wait to see her beautiful smile again and to talk about what she wants... I know what I want...

I hope the time and space has made her think and she knows that I truly care for her. I know I need to explain properly why I did what I did and just hope she forgives me... I need her so much to forgive me... I love her...


	20. Chapter 20

**Wednesday**

I don't know where to start... so much has happened since I got back...

I am with Serena now... like properly!!! After an excruciating day dancing around each other awkwardly at work on Monday, we finally got it together when Jason locked us in the office!!

Since then so much has happened... we slept together for the first time and it was beyond incredible... I can't stop grinning. She was... is... so beautiful and I actually can't believe she has forgiven me for the whole secondment mess... well it was a mess wasn't it really...

Time apart was awful but i'm actually not too sorry we had it. Time and space apart just made us want each other more and Serena knows what she wants now... she said she did before I left but I think it just confirmed it... her feelings.

She is so open with them... much more than me and when we were laying in her bed on Monday evening... I know... MONDAY EVENING!!! She was the first one to say 'I love you'.

This time I made myself say it... I feel it of course but saying the words scares me and she actually cried when I said those very important words. It was an emotional moment...

Being with her... wow... incredible doesn't justify it... I have never felt like this before in all my life. I don't think she has either. She seemed nervous but was too engrossed in kissing me to actually stop and think too much. She looked to me for guidance which I happily provided. She said afterwards it was a life altering moment for her and she was so unbelievably happy. Wow... I still can't believe all of this...

 

**Friday**

Work has been very busy... getting back into everything since I have been away. Serena has had a few days off this week as I am back now and she had been working so hard while I was away to cover both of us. I have really missed her but we have been texting like mad and she is coming to stay at mine tonight!!!

 

**Sunday**

I have literally spent the whole weekend with Serena... today with Jason too but mainly we have been by each others side since Friday evening and it has been wonderful...

I can't get enough of her... I think I am addicted. We have been out for meals and a walk but just... yes ok... laying in bed together mostly... talking and yes of course more than that...

It is AMAZING, all of it... she is... well... incredible... I keep using that word this week but she is.

I hope she knows how much I adore her... I'm not good with talking about my feelings... she knows this... however this doesn't stop her telling me at various points during each day that she loves me and has never felt this way about someone before... not like this anyway.

She blows my mind... we can have intellectual conversations about anything and everything and also laugh about really silly things... the banter never stops... I haven't had that before with someone... it's lovely.

We spent today in Serena's garden with Jason. I like him so much... he knows we are together now and actually seems to think he pushed us together... ok he did a bit!!

I didn't want to leave her tonight but I needed to sort some things out after being away and have been with her most of the time since my return. Ended up calling her though as I missed her voice... this is totally crazy... I am in WAY too deep now... there's no going back... it's love.


	21. Chapter 21

**Tuesday**

I saw Cam today!! He turned up on AAU without telling me with the rest of the Junior's, he kept that quiet!! Was so good to see him although think I may be have been a bit harsh with him on the ward, I just want him to do well this time around and not mess it up!

Work was really busy, with the new doctors and trying to supervise Cam, not too successfully, he just went straight to Serena if I 'didn't listen to him'. He was right about the patient's eyes though, he did good... I was impressed.

We went for a drink after work with Serena too. He likes her and could tell there was something going on between us before I even said anything!!

It was so nice for the three of us to have a drink together hope it will happen again. Went back to Serena's after Albie's... I can't stay away. We were very well behaved at work but not so well behaved when we got home although as Jason was in we had to be extremely quiet... very funny!!!

I can't get enough of Serena Campbell... god I have turned into a... what I have I turned into? Well anyway I am obsessed with her... it's an addiction.

 

**Thursday**

Work quieter today and i'm actually at the flat for the first night in ages, have torn myself away for the night so Serena and Jason can spend some time just the two of them. I am conscious that he needs time with her without me around. Serena seemed very disappointed but it was me who insisted... I really don't want Jason to feel neglected.

Back to microwave meal, whiskey and laundry... anyway I am going back to Serena's tomorrow for the next few days so needed bit of time to sort my stuff out.

Miss her a lot though and will miss falling asleep with her. She does this cute thing when she is falling asleep and it makes me smile... it's true love.

 

**Sunday**

Back at the flat again but have had an amazing few days at Serena's... god I have to pinch myself that this is all real. I actually love being in a relationship for the first time ever!!! It puts my marriage into perspective as well as my fling with Alex. This thing I have with Serena... it's beautiful, intense, passionate and.... feels right. We click together in everyway and she said the same in bed on Saturday night.

Jason has been at Celia's for two nights so we had the place to ourselves and are still finding loads out about each other... it's the best part. The relationships of my past started the same way... as friendships first but I know this is also totally different. I literally hang off Serena's every word. I am desperate to know about her life before she met me and all the little things that you find out about someone, I want to know. I was never that fussed before but with Serena it's like I need to know these things to... know her.

She wants to know the same things about me. It's wonderful and intoxicating...

I have fallen hard and fallen fast... she knows it. I feel it from her too... this thing we have... our relationship, it is for keeps and is scary but oh so worth it. One thing's for sure... I will never be running anywhere again...


	22. Chapter 22

**Tuesday**

Can't believe it is 6th December already, where is the time going... Christmas is soon! I have been too wrapped up in my new relationship to think about anything else!!

The decorations were being put up on AAU today... Morven was feeling festive and Fletch was helping her. I must start thinking about what to do for the holidays... need to talk to Serena...

She wasn't feeling well today, left her in bed with lots of fluids and a hot water bottle. Think it's just a bug but wanted to stay and take care of her... will go back to hers later with supermarket supplies. She looks so cute when she is ill... all sleepy and tucked up in bed.

AAU team pulled together, they are a great bunch... really like them. Missed my partner in crime on the ward though!

Got back to Serena's to find her in a hot bath... she was feeling achy! Tucked her back up in bed with a cup of tea and biscuits and she slept for the rest of the day.

Had a TV history documentary marathon with Jason tonight and taught him how to make a curry... was nice.

 

**Thursday**

Serena is still off work... not like her at all... this bug is taking some shifting, she is clingy when she is poorly... makes me love her even more... too cute!

AAU murder as I have been covering for her as well as it's just this week. Morven and Fletch have really stepped up though.

Heard from Cam and he wants to go for a drink after work tomorrow... this has come from him!! I am so pleased we are getting our relationship back on track.

 

**Friday**

Serena feeling much better today, work quieter, encouraged her to stay off until Monday now to feel 100%.

We talked about Christmas last night and we are going to do a family lunch at her house and invite the children... big step... her idea and I agreed it would be lovely. Need to start planning!!!!

Went for a drink with Cam tonight and it was lovely. I am really proud of him for trying again with his foundation year and I will encourage and help him all the way. He has potential that boy!

Went back to Serena's afterwards... of course... we don't like to be apart which is... I guess... really sweet! She looked better in herself when I got there and Jason was out so we cuddled up on the sofa and watched a film... she fell asleep and I just lay looking at her wondering how I got so lucky...


	23. Chapter 23

**Monday**

Back at work today, had fun with Serena guessing on Cam & Morven's relationship status! I love that we work together, can't get enough of her...

I really like working alongside Cam... it is so lovely to see him everyday at the moment after hardly seeing him at all while I was working away.

Had such a lovely weekend, Serena stayed at mine and we just did coupley things... I love doing these things with her... proves she is the right person... woman for me. It all feels so natural and easy, no effort required.

I cooked for her and she was surprisingly impressed... those recipe books came in handy in the end!!! I was rewarded afterwards for my efforts, god that woman is insatiable... have I said that I can't get enough of her...

We talked more about Christmas and I have already invited Cam... he said he was going to mention it to Charlotte. He told her last week about me and Serena. Apparently she seemed ok with it and it was no surprise that I was in 'another relationship'. Cam says it is the divorce from Marcus that has upset her not my sexuality as such. Really hope they both come to Serena's on Christmas Day... would be so wonderful.

Serena hasn't told Elinor yet... she is really nervous... can't blame her. She has said she will but it needs careful thought...

I need to think about Christmas gifts, think I will go shopping on Wednesday, only working half day.

 

**Thursday**

I got Serena's Christmas gifts yesterday and pleased with my choices... hope she will like them and not think I have gone mad... I tend to do that with gifts but it's how I show I care.

Still not sure what is going on between Cam and Morven... trying to get to the bottom of it, not easy!! Serena is convinced that Morven wouldn't go there but I see the spark between them and think it is only a matter of time. I like Morven... she would be good for Cam, fingers crossed!

Spent the evening with Jason as Serena had to work late. We made dinner together which was lovely and then watched World's Strongest Man - a particular favourite of Jason's. He knows so much about it... facts and figures... stats. His intellect astounds me at times. I enjoy his company and he was saying how incredibly happy Serena is since we got together which was nice. He is very supportive of our relationship and is already excited about Christmas!!

When Serena came in, I was in the bath. She came in to chat to me and it wasn't long before she got in herself! I have never enjoyed baths with people before... ok I have only ever shared one with Marcus previously and it wasn't relaxing or sexy! With Serena.... god... I could happily die in the bath with her in my arms all soapy... she looks beautiful in the bath... as she does anyway wherever she is. I can't stop telling her how gorgeous she is... I hope it is not annoying her... she still goes a little pink when I tell her... too adorable!!!

 

**Sunday**

Back at the flat today so Serena can spend the day with Jason. Have done most of the Christmas shopping now and Cam replied to my text saying he will be there on Christmas Day as will Charlotte.... I am so happy!!! :)

Yesterday was really lovely... went round the Christmas Market in town with Serena and we got quite tipsy! Was really fun though and we collapsed back at hers on the sofa and fell asleep. Jason found us like that at 5pm which was kind of embarrassing. He woke us up as Celia was about to appear!!

Been to gym this afternoon and sorting out my clothes for the next few days as I am back staying at Serena's tomorrow. I miss her so much when we are apart... I have never felt like this about anyone else I know it. I have thought I have loved before but not like this. I am in very deep... too deep really... I am totally in love with her.


	24. Chapter 24

**Tuesday**

Things feel just amazing at the moment... I can't believe how easy being with Serena is... the way we communicate it is so natural and doesn't feel like any effort at all, I can be my true self as she loves me for me... her words. I am just so unbelievably happy!!!

I am also seeing Charlotte tomorrow evening just the two of us, will be so good to see her. I have missed her and our relationship, I want us to be close again, fingers crossed she will listen to what I have to say, I want her to feel loved and I want us to get to know each other again properly...

Everyone is in the festive spirit at work and for the first time in years... maybe decades I am as well. I have so much to be happy about it is really infectious. Being around Serena who is complete joy... she loves Christmas and is already excited - too cute!!

I ended up beating Arty at cards tonight on the ward, favour to Fletch to keep him company and out of mischief. Means Serena and I missed Christmas drinks at Albies. She wanted to stay with me which melted my heart. She was looking forward to us going together but happily stayed watching me play cards... she said on the way back to hers that she would never have done that for anyone else... apparently I have an 'effect' on her where she wants to be by my side... can't stop grinning!! :)

 

**Thursday**

I saw Charlotte yesterday, it went well, just the two of us. She has grown up a lot and I am really proud of her... she is studying hard and looked gorgeous. She listened to what I had to say and although still upset about the divorce understands my situation and wants me to be happy - her words. I told her myself about Serena and she asked to see a photo which I showed her my favourite of us together on my phone. She smiled and said she would like to meet her before Christmas Day.

Went back to Serena's afterwards and told her all about dinner with Charlotte while we were snuggled up in bed. It is the best feeling in the world to lay with her in bed before we fall asleep. She knows I like my hair gently played with so she does this for a bit while we cuddle and chat and then we change positions so I can hold her in my arms to fall asleep... feels so lovely and amazing. She completes me... not that I ever thought I needed anyone to do that but I understand those words now and when someone says their 'other half'. Serena feels like the other half of me... we just go together. Anyway enough mushiness for one night!!

 

**Sunday**

Went out for lunch today with Cam, Charlotte and Serena. It went really well and Charlotte and Serena get on great! Was lovely to see and Cam is really relaxed about the whole thing now as well. He has such a kind side to him. The whole meal went so well i'm sure Christmas Day will be lovely. The kids will get to meet Jason then too and maybe Elinor??!

Serena and I spent the rest of the day food shopping for Christmas. Can't believe it is Christmas Eve tomorrow, luckily we have the next few days off... an exchange for New Year with Ric and Raf. Presents all sorted and back at the flat tonight to check everything before packing all I need for Christmas with Serena... can't wait... will be magical :)


	25. Chapter 25

**Boxing Day**

Things have been pretty perfect :) really lovely Christmas... the best I can remember for such a long time. Have eaten wayyy too much and drank too much also.

Was so lovely to have Cam and Charlotte round on Christmas Day, they really get on well with Serena and helped with anything she needed.

Serena told Elinor on Christmas Eve and don't think she was too impressed with the 'news'. I don't actually think it is the fact that her new partner is a woman... I think it is that Serena hadn't told her until now. I'm sure she will come round... Christmas Day was a little awkward with Elinor... she was quite stroppy and obviously not enjoying having me and the kids there...

Serena didn't take any shit though... was proud of her... she was determined to have a lovely time and was constantly trying to prove to me how much she loves me in case I was getting worried with Elinor's reaction.

We were both pretty tired out today after entertaining yesterday. Elinor has gone to Edward's for a few days so it has been so lovely to cuddle up with Serena on the sofa and watch films and eat chocolates. I would happily just lay with her for the rest of time... it makes me so happy.

 

**Friday**

Left Serena to spend the day with Elinor and I spent the morning taking Jason to a museum which was really fun! He gets so interested in all of the facts and it is a pleasure to watch him. Then dropped him off at Alan's and now spending some time at the flat. Feels strange being by myself here after such a busy, lovely Christmas but have sorted some things out and changed clothes over etc. as Serena wants me back at her place over the weekend :)

I love her so so much, I really do. Cam text me today to say that Marcus has a new girlfriend who is much older! Made me chuckle! I am meeting Cam for a drink next week which will be nice.

Must go to the gym very very soon, have piled the weight on this week!!!

 

**Sunday**

Both back in work today after a break... still was nice to work together... I don't really mind where I am as long as I am with Serena. Pretty busy today... not many operations but plenty of new patients to assess and treat.

Was lovely to get a takeaway tonight and curl up in front of the fire with Serena... had the place the ourselves so made the most of it! She is really sweet as she likes to hold me in her arms when we cuddle on the sofa but in bed it is the other way round! I can't get enough of her and still want to ravish her at every opportunity... I hope she doesn't get sick of it... or me... doesn't seem to be at the moment :) :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Monday (New Year's Eve)**

Working today and tomorrow, only fair as Serena and I had Christmas off. Sat in office after just having a chinese takeaway with everyone who is working on AAU tonight, nice idea of Serena's... she is so thoughtful.

Really mega busy day... three operations that we both worked on so both quite tired and it is only 8pm. Doing paperwork from today now... catching up. Really hope I get to kiss Serena at midnight. When I think to where I was this time last year... my life has changed so much... it is unrecognisable... truly. I can say with all honesty that I am happy for the first time in decades... truly happy... it feels wonderful.

 

**Wednesday**

Busy few days, I got to kiss Serena at midnight and what a kiss! We made sure the door was shut to the office and drank glasses of champagne kissing like teenagers until there was a knock on the door and we had to go and check on a patient... was for quite a while though... we got lucky with the timing of midnight :)

Things have been so busy we have barely managed any time together and I have been staying at the flat as Elinor is back at Serena's for a few days and I couldn't really face being there. Serena needs to spend time with just Elinor anyway so suited me to have some space. I saw Charlotte last night and it was so good to have a drink with her... big improvements in our communication now... it makes me so happy!

Serena has been really distracted with Elinor around... have given them space but I have missed Serena. I have missed falling asleep with her and holding her tightly. It has felt quite lonely at the flat but I do understand. Elinor has been working on a project filming around AAU for her uni course. I only see snippets of Serena in her but not much... she is stylish, vibrant and confident like her mother but in other ways she is nothing like Serena and must take after Edward.

Elinor did say she wants us to try again though so I will take it at her pace for Serena's sake. I will definitely try my best with her...

 

**Friday**

Finally a whole weekend with Serena... bliss I can't wait!!! Have really missed her this week and just want to spend time with her... I don't mind what we do... anything that involves me cuddling up to her will do just fine!

Elinor is back staying at Edward's and Jason is staying with Alan and then Celia so we are free for the whole weekend!!

Think I may take her for a fancy meal to treat her... and also maybe a walk in the countryside if the weather is fine....

All paperwork is complete for the week... I know!!! So we don't have anything to worry about for a change... counting down the hours until we can go home... well to Serena's... together...


	27. Chapter 27

**Wednesday**

Things have been bloody awful... truly. Some of the very worst few days of my life and I've had some pretty terrible days in the army.

Jason is still in hospital and there is no hope for Elinor...

I don't know what to make of it all or how it all even happened... really...

Just know that I have to be so strong for Serena who is completely devastated. It has all happened so quickly and it's meant dealing with Edward again... stressful.

We stayed at the hospital all Monday night and most of yesterday. Did go back to Serena's for a couple of hours where she just cried and cried and I held her tightly... this is going to change everything for her forever and it's just so sad.

Trying to keep an eye on Jason to keep the pressure off her a bit but she is so worried about him too. I feel tired but wired... I need to do anything I can to help and make things as secure as I can for her. She needs me so much and even though it's scary that someone needs me like this I will be there for her... she is everything to me.

 

**Friday**

This week has been hell... Elinor died yesterday. It was truly one of the worst days of my life to see Serena in that much pain.

I would have done anything to take it away from her. Edward was there when it happened and I left them in peace together to be with their daughter in her last moments. Serena needed me later on... we went to hers and just cuddled on the sofa for hours and hours... I made sure we ate something and then I went back to visit Jason in the evening while she slept.

She has aged so much over the last few days... this has broken her... she doesn't know how to cope with it all... such a shock.

I have held her tightly when I can and keep telling her how much I love her. She is so grateful for my support and has said a couple of times today how much she needs me and loves me... I feel emotionally exhausted but have to be strong.

Ric has given me some time off as well at the moment... very generous of him. Serena is a good friend of his and he knows she needs me, he has been through the death of a child too unfortunately so he is very understanding.

Flowers and cards have started to arrive at the house but Serena finds them upsetting. I took her to meet Edward this afternoon to register the death and we went straight back to hers afterwards so she could sleep...

She likes me to stroke her hair slowly... she finds it comforting... she is hardly eating anything but cups of strong tea seem to be going down well so I make her one every half an hour... she squeezes my hand with every one that I put in front of her and gives me a loving look.

I have asked her if she wants some space but she grabbed my waist tightly and cried harder... when she had calmed down she clung to me with tears streaming down her beautiful cheeks and whispered that she loves me so much and please not to leave her. It broke my heart... everything about this week has broken my heart... it hurts... so much.


	28. Chapter 28

**Sunday**

Back at the flat for a couple of hours to sort some things out... left Serena in bed, she was dozing on and off and she said it was ok to leave her for a few hours.

She is still hardly eating and has lost weight already. She managed some scrambled eggs this morning.. I am trying to tempt her with things I know she loves. I have really got into cooking this week... it has a purpose... to try and make sure Serena is eating something and I have been taking in bits to the hospital for Jason.

He is doing really well... considering what he has been through and is always really happy to see me. I usually take him something to eat and a new magazine as I am having to spend most of my time with Serena and he understands that. He always asks me to tell her that he loves her which is just too adorable.

Serena and Edward have started the plans for the funeral... it is difficult when she doesn't want to deal with him and I have phoned him a few times this week now on her behalf... he doesn't seem to mind.

Ric is popping round tomorrow, he checked with me first that it would be ok which was nice of him. It feels like everyone knows how serious we are as a couple and feels good... even though it is in really sad circumstances...

Cam text me tonight... he has been really supportive which is appreciated. I know he likes Serena and is so sorry that this has happened.

 

**Tuesday**

Serena has had a few visitors from the hospital now, they are so caring and obviously think a lot of her. Ric called round yesterday and stayed for an hour. I am doing my bit by making coffee's and putting cards on the kitchen table for Serena to look at when she feels up to it, also feel like a florist arranging flowers into vases.

Fletch and Evie came round this afternoon which was really nice of them. I think Serena found it comforting to see her and Evie sat on her lap for ages cuddling her while they chatted.

Jason is making great progress, he should be out of hospital shortly if he continues like he is doing. I go most evenings to spend an hour with him. I managed to get a TV put in his room... called in a favour so we watch whatever documentary or drama is on at the time and discuss it. He asked if Serena would visit him and I said hopefully...

The only way Serena manages a few hours of sleep is with me making her a bath when I get back from the hospital with lavender in it. She has a good soak while I stroke her hair which makes her sleepy and then I cuddle her in bed until she nods off. This helps and she manages to sleep on and off through the night but at least she is actually getting to sleep.

She ate my homemade lasagne tonight and smiled... god I have missed that smile.

 

**Friday**

Have been dropping Serena at the funeral directors to meet Edward over the last few days, the funeral will be early next week. There is a lot to organise but I feel it isn't my place. I will support and do whatever Serena needs me to do but I have taken a bit of a step back as well. Jason has needed me and he will be allowed out of hospital on Monday so as well as watching TV together in his hospital room I have been taking him to the Peace Garden for some fresh air, he still needs a wheelchair as he feels weak but he is getting stronger...

Raf came round this afternoon, was good to see him and while he was chatting with Serena I managed a nap myself... god I feel exhausted but don't want Serena to know that.

Charlotte texted me tonight and it was so good to hear from her... hopefully see her next week at some point.

Serena ate another of my meals tonight... she likes risotto so I made one I have made before and she enjoyed it. I have steered her away from the wine at the moment... not a good idea. She managed more hours asleep last night which is a good thing. She was still asleep when I woke up and she was curled into my side... made my heart ache...


	29. Chapter 29

**Monday**

I saw Charlotte today... was really good to see her. Met her for a coffee in town and she was a real support at this difficult time. It was nice to have a break from the house and everything... we talked about the funeral which is taking place on Wednesday and Charlotte is kindly going to come. She also said she would text Serena again and make sure she knows that her and Cam are there for her. I am really proud of them, they are so grown up and kind hearted.

Serena is still sleeping a fair amount but seemed slightly brighter today. I am still doing the cooking which she appreciates and she has begun to sort out Elinor's bedroom - her old room anyway which still has her things in it. Serena is not sure what to do with any of it... I made sure she remembered that there is no rush at all with any of this.

Went to see Jason tonight... he is ok to come home tomorrow so I helped to sort his things out and will collect him first thing in the morning. I think he is upset that Serena hasn't visited but I have tried to explain how devastated she is at the moment. It will be quite difficult looking after both of them but Ric has been amazing with letting me have time off work so they are my priority and I will do my best for them.

 

**Wednesday**

The funeral was utterly heartbreaking today. I wish I could take all the pain away from Serena, she was extremely brave and I couldn't be more proud of her. Edward and Liberty had chosen the music for the service and Serena, with help from me had chosen the flowers. Edward did a reading of a poem which made Serena cry but I held her hand throughout and she squeezed it back several times. I know she appreciated my support.

We only managed the wake afterwards for an hour before Serena wanted to leave and we both wanted to be back to check on Jason anyway who wasn't up to attending the funeral. This whole time is so very sad.

Morven, Raf and Ric showed up today... very thoughtful of them. Serena was so touched to see them there for her and Ric told us he doesn't expect either of us back at work for a while. I caught him on his own at the bar and got him a drink... he has been so wonderful. I reassured him that I will be back next week... it needs one of us on AAU and it can't be Serena... also I need to get back to some sort of normality. Serena will be off work for a while but I need to be there for both of us and Ric understands that reassuring me that there is no pressure from him though.

 

**Friday**

Jason is doing so well... he has been outside sitting in the garden today and even helped me make some sandwiches for lunch. He is good company and even though he is still recovering and really upset about what happened it is lovely having him around.

Serena managed to stay out of bed the whole day today and was busy sorting through Elinor's things. I asked her to let me know if she needed any help... I knew she would want to be alone for most of it but she happily let me in to Elinor's bedroom and showed me her things as we sorted them.

It was lovely to hear about Elinor's childhood and see a different side to Serena. She is still very affectionate with me and lay with her head on my chest for a while... I stroked her hair and held her tightly. She whispered that she doesn't know what she would do without me and that she is very lucky to have me. These words mean so much at the moment. I need to know that she needs and wants me as much as I do her... she is very reassuring and I will do whatever it takes to help her through this tragic time... I love her so much.


	30. Chapter 30

**Tuesday**

Cam was going to leave without saying goodbye. It was only thanks to Morven who kindly sent me a text that I got to see him. Serena made me go to the hospital to catch him even though she was having a bad day today.

Cam is off to London, not sure why but I have to respect his wishes. He is a grown up now and wants to live his own life. I will miss him so much, I hope he will stay in close contact, after what has happened to Elinor I need him to know how much he means to me and Charlotte of course. We said we love each other which is a huge step for us... i'm not used to saying it even though I feel it... Serena's good influence on me.

I got home to finds Serena in bed with damp tissues all over the covers... she was fast asleep and I watched her for a while... comforting to lay beside her just watching her breathe in and out.

She wanted to cook tonight so I let her. Jason is still improving... Serena is finding it hard to be around him at the moment... she is doing her best but Jason can be demanding and he is still recovering so I am trying to take charge a little bit to save Serena having to bother with anything... it's not that she isn't kind hearted it's just she is too exhausted and fragile to deal with anything at the moment and she just wants me to comfort her no one else... I feel honoured.

 

**Thursday**

Heard from Cam today... he is settling in to his new digs and seems happy. I am pleased for him even though miss him already. He always asks after Serena and wondered if it would be ok for him to send her a text. I encouraged him to do that... Serena would really like it.

Took her for a short walk to the park today... she seemed a bit stronger and I wanted her to get out of the house. We were only out for a while but she seemed brighter surrounded by nature and the stillness and peace. I needed to check on the flat so we went there for a bit. She lay on the sofa while I changed some things over and did some laundry. She had a text from Edward while we were at mine and showed me not knowing how to respond. Him and Liberty want to come round for a coffee to discuss some things to do with Elinor. Serena wants me there so I suggested tomorrow afternoon.... want to pop into work in the morning to collect some bits of admin to do at home.

 

**Friday**

I only saw Morven on AAU this morning she gave me a hug and fetched some folders of work she had put together... she is so kind... think a lot of her. Called to get some bits from the supermarket as Edward and Liberty were coming round and then went back to Serena's. She had made an effort to look nicer today... put on her make up for the first time since the funeral and wore some of her nicer clothes... was proud of her.

Edward and Liberty came round about 3pm. They wanted to discuss Elinor's bank account and direct debits. She was in a bit of debt but Edward said he had already paid it off and cancelled her mobile phone account. There are some of her items to sort and even though Serena had called her university to explain, there is her room in student halls to sort out which Liberty offered to do.

There is a lot to think about and Serena seemed in a bit of a daze and uncomfortable with having them both in the house. I went to leave them all to it after a while but Serena grabbed my hand firmly and shook her head subtly so I sat back down.

Jason managed to walk round the garden today and I spent time with him making dinner. He fancied making pizza's so we did that and made a salad to go with it. Serena seemed pleased and we spent the evening all in the lounge watching TV together... first time she has felt like staying in the lounge all evening for a while and Jason was happy. I held her and stroked her arms slowly... she finds it very comforting. When she nuzzles into my neck my heart still stops beating... she still has the capacity to make me nervous even now... I love her so much.


	31. Chapter 31

**Tuesday**

Serena attempted to come into work with me today but it was just too much... as soon as she got outside AAU... too many bad memories I think and even though she said she felt stronger yesterday, the minute it became real she just couldn't face it and wanted to walk home which broke my heart a little as I offered to drop her home. Had to let her go though and push through... back to work for me today.

Tried to get everything back on track after time off... so much to get on top of without us both being there. My mind wasn't really on work especially until Serena sent me a text to say she had got home ok and telling me not to worry. She did put at the end that she loved me very much which was a relief because when she had said that she wanted to be on her own in the corridor it made my heart stop with fear. I feared that she would want space from our relationship but I got another two texts later on which reassured me she was ok at home and that even though she was missing me she was ok and keeping busy in the garden. She kept saying sorry for not being able to walk onto the ward... she needs far more time... it was too soon.

Had an interesting morning with Fletch and Arty who appeared with a bag full of cash...his winnings from the casino. He was really ill, it was difficult with Fletch so emotionally involved and questioning everything I did.

Arty asked me to call the solicitor about his will before the operation as a witness. It was really awful and so sad as he lost his life in theatre... aneurysm ruptured. Poor Fletch... no more words. He has a life changing amount of money left to him though... it will really change his family.

We went for a quick drink after work... both needed it. I called Serena from Albie's to see if she wanted me to stay at my flat tonight and she insisted that I stay at hers. When she said she wanted to be on her own she did just mean the long walk home to clear her head... very relieved.

She had cooked a nice meal and we sat and chatted. Ric had called her to see how she was today and she very sensibly asked for another two weeks off which he agreed to of course. It was far too soon to come in today even if it was just to do some admin, she realises that tonight and is being kinder to herself.

 

**Friday**

Met Charlotte for lunch in town as only worked this morning... had to be in extra early for theatre so Ric covered for me this afternoon, he is being so kind at the moment, think I got the guy wrong when we first worked together.

Charlotte was fine and busy with assignments, she welcomed the break and the decent meal... her words!

Serena went to the doctors today to get some sleeping tablets... she is not sleeping... hardly at all. She keeps waking up in the middle of the night and then unable to drop off again and she is worried about waking me. She wants me with her though... it makes my heart ache that she needs various things from me which I happily provide, it's just nice to feel useful and wanted at this sad time.

Flowers still all around the house from people who couldn't make the funeral or have just heard about what happened.

Helped Jason to make tea tonight... he has really got into cooking from watching Masterchef! We made Fajitas which turned out surprisingly well! We all ate together and then Jason kindly left us in the lounge for the evening to watch a film. It felt so nice to cuddle and relax together with a glass of wine and popcorn. Serena even smiled during the film. It breaks my heart to see her smile... it is rare at the moment and she has the most beautiful smile.

 

**Sunday**

Met Fletch for a drink to help him sort through his finances and sorting out getting the money Arty left him through. It felt nice to be asked to help if I could and got me out of the house and thinking about something else. He said he trusts me with his life... feel honoured! We got everything finalised, he is now excited that it is all official!

Went to the flat for the afternoon to change some things over. Jason was going to sit with Serena in the garden as it is a nice sunny day. He is doing so well with his recovery... very proud of him.

Got back to see that Serena had put a box together of some of Elinor's things for Evie. I thought it was very sweet of her... things like bags and scarves... t-shirts, new make up that sort of thing. I said I will take it for Fletch tomorrow. She seemed a bit brighter today... actually slept more last night... the pills seem to be working.

I can help her to fall asleep it's the staying asleep... but the tablets made a difference last night for sure... hopefully... progress?


	32. Chapter 32

**Tuesday**

I don't know what the hell is going on with Dom and Isaac but it is worrying me. Dom seems a shadow of his former self, he is jumpy and seems really worried about upsetting Isaac at every turn, I will invite him for a drink to see if I can find out any more and offer my support. He has changed so much lately from the happy go lucky Dom he was when I met him... worried...

Jason is doing great, he still needs lots of rest but his progress is extremely pleasing. He spends a lot of his time at the moment outside in the garden and Serena seems to like it out there too right now... she says she finds it peaceful and keeps busy while she is off work by doing odd jobs outside.

She is doing as well as can be expected... some days better than others... today has been a better day.

Still staying at the house at the moment... mainly. Charlotte came round last night for tea and was really supportive to Serena. I am so proud of her and feel close to her again like we were when she was a lot younger.

Heard from Cam yesterday too, he sent a text at lunchtime asking how everything was going, he sent his love to us all and said I can call him at the end of the week if I would like a chat... definitely... I really miss him.

 

**Thursday**

Work so busy with Serena off and Ric too this week. I am finding it a struggle to manage everything but luckily Raf, Fletch and Morven have been great.

Successful operations all round today... am exhausted though from work and from all the emotional stress and keeping everything together at Serena's.

She is having a bad day today and didn't leave the bedroom until tea time when she reluctantly came down for some dinner I had made. She is drinking quite a lot in the evenings so i'm going to keep an eye on things and encourage her not to numb her pain... in a subtle way if I can.

She went back upstairs straight after tea and left her to it for a bit and watched TV with Jason. She came down after an hour asking if I could come upstairs which I happily did and then she cried and wanted to be held so we did that on her bed for a long time until she fell asleep and I went to check on Jason who is very concerned about his Auntie.

I gave him a hug and reassured him that things will hopefully get better in time. He does understand grief but can be quite direct and removed from emotions at times so I have tried to explain to him the best I can...

Sent a text to Dom asking how he is but haven't had a reply back yet.

 

**Saturday**

Called Cam last night, was so good to chat with him. He likes the new hospital and is settling well. He thinks he may like to be a surgeon eventually which would be wonderful but he is still trying out various areas in his placements.

Gym this morning and spent afternoon at the flat with Serena who didn't want to be apart while I checked on everything. She has been very needy today which makes me feel wanted and needed. She wants lots of cuddles and love which I have been supplying her with... relaxing much more now at offering my love... never came easily before Serena but it requires no effort or thought whatsoever now.

I would give her all my love everyday for eternity and not require anything back... she is my world and I just wish I could take the pain away. I will be there for her throughout and as long as she wants me.


	33. Chapter 33

**Monday**

Serena was back at work today... she was not too happy about being put on an 'easier' workload by me but I was only looking out for her. She needs to take it gradually and not put too much pressure on herself... things will take time and it can't be easy for her at all being back on the ward after everything that happened...

Jasmine wanted to move wards this morning as she seemed unhappy with being on AAU at present... I know it's because of the way Serena has been with her. I am really trying to help Serena through things... she shouldn't really be back at work although she says it is helping her to keep busy... don't know what to think or what is for the best?

She acted totally out of character with me in the office this afternoon... she was fixated on finding something in Elinor's files... god knows how she got hold of those they are confidential... she went quite mad and snatched them out of my hand when I was trying to take them from her.

I am worried she is keeping everything bottled up... I don't know how to help except offer support. I only knew what was happening because Morven came to find me and told me what Serena was doing... her and Jasmine must find it difficult knowing Serena and I are in a relationship... it does get tough sometimes at work...

Had to have a drink in Albie's after shift... things are tough and Jason needs me even though ideally I should be having some space for both myself and Serena.

Stayed for a couple in the end with Morven and Jasmine... they have been really supportive to me. Serena kept ringing my mobile and eventually I picked up and she offered to come and pick me up as I had been drinking.

She apologised profusely for her behaviour today and asked me if I would stay with her which of course I said I would. Jason needs me too and although I thought we should have some space after today I couldn't not completely melt to see the woman I love sitting in her car outside her house crying and holding my hands in hers begging for forgiveness...

 

**Wednesday**

Serena has found being back at work difficult. She is determined to get through each day and the AAU staff have been brilliant.

Jason has been quite needy with me because he feels he can't talk to Serena at the moment... don't mind at all I just want him to feel secure while he is recovering.

Still staying at Serena's. She is a bit distant at times but that is to be expected. She still thankfully wants a cuddle before we fall asleep which I happily provide. Grief affects people in mysterious ways and she will need a lot of time and patience... I will be here for her.

Talked to Cam tonight... I really miss him so much. I wonder when I will get to see him... soon I hope.

 

**Sunday**

Charlotte came round today for lunch and it was really great to see her. She watched TV with Jason for a bit and Serena was feeling a little better today overall.

I cooked lunch for us all and then we sat in the garden. Stayed dry and the garden looks so nice as Serena and Jason have spent time on it in the recent weeks.

Serena held me tightly tonight and told me how much she loves me. She realises that her grief and the whole situation has put our relationship kind of on hold... well... from where we would have been otherwise but told her everything would be ok and that her I love her too.

I meant it when I say I will always be here for her in whatever way she needs... she kissed me then and held me as we both drifted into sleep.


	34. Chapter 34

**Tuesday**

Really must cut down again on smoking, seem to be lighting up more than I have in ages... it's the stress, been a tough time.

Serena started counselling sessions yesterday... she wouldn't say much about it just that it was 'ok'. She went there again this morning, think she will be going three - four times a week to start with, I am really proud of her... hope they will be of some use.

She was really quite harsh with Jasmine today... at some points cruel, keeping a close eye, it's Serena's way of making sure there are no more mistakes after Elinor's death but I am getting fairly concerned on how far she will go and push things. Feel like I am treading on egg shells a bit at the moment and I know Jason feels the same, Serena said he was upset today... will try and find out what that was about and see if he is ok.

I don't want to bring anything up about her treatment of Jasmine at the moment as it may cause an argument, she can be quite temperamental at the moment... it's the grief and she needs my understanding and support not my judgement.

Spending tonight at the flat to give Serena some space to talk to Jason. I feel truly exhausted in everyway possible...

 

**Thursday**

Serena has seemed more like her old self today... she is trying really hard to go easier on Jasmine after Morven spoke to her... glad it wasn't me! She has been more attentive to my needs and we worked like our old selves today on the ward... the banter between us was back!

I know it will take a long, long time for her to feel even slightly like normal again, perhaps she will never return to normal I don't know but... things have been better.

Serena even cooked for me tonight as Jason is with Celia and we actually had an early night and not because we were tired... it felt wonderful to be intimately close again and it felt like we were back to before this nightmare all happened even just for an hour... it was what we both needed.

 

**Saturday**

Gave Serena some space again today... went to the gym and met up with Charlotte this afternoon. Her uni work is getting on top of her and she wanted to go shopping so we browsed round and went for tea and cake which felt so wonderful.

She wanted to know how Serena is and I felt myself well up at being asked and having to talk about it. Serena has bad days and slightly better days... never know which we will wake up with. I am trying to keep everything together for Jason's sake and for Serena to feel safe and secure after her world has been blown apart... I still feel I could do more but not knowing how to help more is the problem.

Charlotte thought it was very good that Serena is having counselling and wants to support her if she can. She said she had spoken to Cam yesterday and he is doing so well... I will ring him tomorrow, I miss him so much.

Was going to stay at the flat tonight but Serena called wanting me to stay with her so change of plan. Think she missed me today as she told me three times in the same call that she loves me. I love her too... so much.


	35. Chapter 35

**Wednesday**

Needed to write down my thoughts from yesterday as my head is all over the place... Serena was so unpredictable... the wine I found in her drawer, the glass on her desk that had obviously been used to drink Shiraz, the calling Edward...

As for her being professional she seemed all over the place and i'm feeling quite sorry for Jasmine at the moment.

Last night was ok... went round with a takeaway and we sat chatting at the kitchen table while Jason and Celia were in the lounge. I just don't know how to help or make things better. It hurt... her trying to call Edward, even though I know she is bereaved and coping the only ways she knows how... it still hurt me.

Did stay over last night but back at the flat tonight. I need some space and i'm thinking she does as well...

Jason is here too as he asked to come with me and I hadn't the heart to say no. Maybe some space will make Serena think and try and work through her grief. I was hoping she had been attending counselling but guessing she hasn't been going. Don't like to bring it up as really don't want an argument and at the end of the day it is her grief to work through at her own pace... I can only be there for her and support her.

Jason is watching a movie and seems happy tonight... he said he feels relaxed here and even just made me a cup of tea!

Just had a text from Serena... 'Miss you Bernie, I love you never forget that xx'. My heart kind of melted and I sent one straight back... 'I love you too, always, Jason says hi, he is fine here with me, will see you at work tomorrow xx'.

 

**Friday**

Jasmine and Morven are such stars, they have really stepped up today around the ward taking on much of the extra work to help me out and Serena has been in the office doing the paperwork. She seems brighter today and bought the entire ward cream cakes as an apology for the way she was on Tuesday. Everyone is really lovely here and just gives her smiles and kind nods... knowing she is working through terrible grief.

Still staying at the flat until tomorrow when I will stay at Serena's for the weekend. She keeps saying she misses me which makes me love her even more. My heart aches for her and wish I could take the pain away from her even for a while...

Gym tonight and Jason came with me and used the pool. He seems to have enjoyed his 'mini break'.... his words! We are both going back to the house tomorrow...

 

**Sunday**

Spent most of the weekend in Serena's garden as the weather has been fine and it has been relaxing. Cooked us Sunday lunch and Charlotte came over which was lovely. Serena seemed pleased to see her and was much better being around people today... the break and space seems to have helped and she says she is going back to counselling this week... she is determined to do it for me. I said she needs to do it for herself but she said it helps her to do something for me... it focuses her on her goal.

It felt lovely to cuddle up in bed tonight before she fell asleep. She held on tight to me as she drifted off... it was quite early so when she had fallen into a deep sleep I got up to check on Jason and have a cigarette outside. I really must try to cut down... so hard at the moment though.

I am going to try and take Serena to her counselling sessions to show her my support... I really do love her and will be by her side while she works through her grief... however long that takes.


	36. Chapter 36

**Tuesday**

Back at the flat for a few days to give Serena some space. Jason is going to come and stay tonight for a break too, he says he feels relaxed at my place which is nice of him to say.

Serena was worried today about Hanssen coming onto the ward to oversee some things... she is getting quite paranoid which is not like her at all. I really miss the Serena before Elinor's tragic death. It must be so hard for her to come to terms with and makes me want to hold my children close to me and never let them go. Cam was in touch earlier and I am going to call him tonight.

It was awkward on the ward this afternoon with Serena thinking Jasmine has reported her for 'bullying'. Hanssen had spoken to her about it and then she asked me what I thought... don't want to get involved at all... it's not my place and we have to keep work things and our relationship separate at times otherwise everything gets blurred. I think she spoke to Jasmine and she had said it wasn't her who had said anything to Hanssen.

Serena had a complete meltdown on the ward late afternoon... she should not be at work and I really did not know what to do. She is shutting me out slightly today and wants to be on her own. I feel quite heartbroken and am actually glad of Jason's company tonight... otherwise I think I would have drunk a whole bottle of whiskey which is not like me.

Jason doesn't know about Serena's scene on AAU... I haven't said anything to him. We are watching old Dr Who episodes and eating pizza... he seems happy and I just feel... if I'm honest... quite broken.

Just had a text from Serena... ' I don't know what happened earlier... I don't know what is happening to me... I love you Bernie. Going to counselling in the morning and would really like to see you tomorrow night if you want to see me? Xx'.

I finished eating and then texted back... 'Please take tomorrow off work and I will come round and see you when I finish. I love you too, always xx.'

Jason has just asked after Serena and I have said she is having a few worse days at the moment. He just nodded and asked if I had any ice cream...

 

**Thursday**

Spoke to Jasmine today while Serena is off. She is so professional and actually was more concerned how Serena is doing than anything else...

AAU much quieter and staff were more cautious with me I think because of witnessing Serena's meltdown yesterday. They don't know how to act or what to say...

Jason is at Celia's tonight so I will have some time with Serena by myself... I want to check on how she is... really is...

She has just text to say counselling went ok this morning and she really hopes I will go round for dinner tonight. I don't think I will stay... there needs to be some space at the moment.

Just got back to the flat and it's late. Serena cried in my arms and pleaded with me not to leave her. It was just so sad to witness and I think I calmed her down, reassuring her that I am not going anywhere and I love her so much. She eventually just lay in my arms on the sofa and told me what had happened in her counselling session.

She is glad Jason is out as she said she finds it very difficult to be strong around him at the moment and needs to release her emotions. I said he is welcome at my place if it would help. She nodded but asked me to stay with her at the weekend. I told her I miss her but I am fine with whatever she wants at the moment...

 

**Sunday**

Things have been much better this weekend... we went with Jason to a museum today and it was lovely. Serena was much calmer and more herself and Jason was happily chattering away about what he was learning as we went round.

When we all got back to Serena's we sat in the garden just relaxing and it was just so lovely to see the tension disappear on Serena's face even just for an hour. She looked totally beautiful and actually gave me one of her old gorgeous smiles. We were able to just hold hands and relax together, cuddled up on her swing seat... I hope she found a moment's peace from her grief.

She is back at counselling tomorrow morning and I am so proud of her for giving it another go. It has been so lovely to stay with her this weekend and to hold her while she falls asleep. I really hope that comforts her.

She keeps telling me her devotion to me is everlasting and won't change, she is just finding the situation with Elinor totally devastating. I just stroke her arm gently and kiss her when she speaks like this... my support is there forever and I just hope she believes it...


	37. Chapter 37

**Tuesday**

Things are much better.... Serena seems to be coping in a more healthy and appropriate way... even laying off the wine for a bit. It makes me feel more relaxed and she has been far more loving in general. Jason seems to be irritating her less and her counselling sessions have been going really well.

Can breathe a bit easier... such a relief... was so worried we were falling apart a little which made me feel heartbroken. Feel in better spirits now and staying more often at Serena's without overcrowding her...

Work has been non stop... so many operations... serious but without complications thankfully. Jasmine is really impressing me... Morven and Fletch have been a godsend to have around as well, they just know what to do and what to say... I don't know how... going to take them both for a drink.

Jason is feeling much better and have taken him out a few times so he feels a bit stronger to return to work shortly. It's nice having him around... he has been beginning to stay at Celia's house again since the accident which does give Serena & I some space too.

Serena is finding it easier to be intimate and it melts my heart... let her instigate anything and always check she feels comfortable. She seems to be able to let herself go more easily at the moment and the counselling... I feel it is really working and helping her make sense of what has happened. I hope she will continue going...

 

**Thursday**

Jason out last night so we went for dinner... god it felt so wonderful to do that and have Serena really trying her best to put her grief to one side and to be us again. She looked completely beautiful... she put on a dress and really made an effort tonight. It was such a gorgeous feeling to go to our Italian restaurant and just try and relax with each other... she still isn't drinking... trying to let herself feel her pain instead of numbing it... I am so relieved... it will help her move on... eventually and live her life... hopefully our life together... I want that so much my heart hurts... I love her so completely and deeply.

We weren't intimate when we got back, don't always need to be but we did cuddle close in bed and fall asleep together... bliss... it's all I want... I ache for it...

 

**Sunday**

Spoke to Cam this morning... was so good to hear his voice, he seems happy enough but busy with work and trying to make a bit of a life for himself.

Serena cooked Sunday lunch for us as well as Jason and Celia. It was relaxing and Celia helped me with the washing up which was kind of her... she is really good for Jason... they seem happy.

Serena is still doing so well this week... she has her moments of sadness but is learning to deal with her feelings in an appropriate way now. Her counsellor seems great and I am so relieved things are improving... have stayed here most of the week but going back to the flat tonight for a couple of days... space is still important for both of us especially as we work together. Jason is going to stay with me tomorrow night... it gives him and Serena a break from each other too.

Hoping to see Charlotte this week... been missing her... she has been so busy with uni but hopefully will meet her for a drink.

Gym tonight... need the release... it helps with controlling my emotions which seem on the edge at the moment... not sure why... the pressure? I just know that it helps... have been feeling stressed at doing and saying the right things... I need to be the best partner to Serena and keeping on top of things at work to ease the stress all round... may try and go to the gym as often as possible... trying to lay off the cigarette's... not easy!!!


	38. Chapter 38

**Tuesday**

Things have been truly awful today.... Serena broke down in tears at work over the death of Elinor's heart recipient and I took her straight home...

She wanted to be on her own so have bought Jason here to the flat to stay and Charlotte came round to see us. They are both staying tonight and I actually feel.... numb...

Serena is on her own and I feel really helpless. I think it is the first and only time I have ever shed a tear in front of Charlotte....  she is so kind and really helped Jason tonight... by sitting with him and just watching tv... keeping him calm and listening to him.

I think I have overdone it on the whiskey... trying to numb how I feel and giving up the cigarette's has completely gone to pot.

Serena just text and my heart actually aches.... she sent... 'I'm just so sorry for falling apart... I feel heartbroken again. I do love you Bernie... I am sorry for pushing you away, just need to clear my head, will take tomorrow off work but would you come round when you finish your shift please? If you want to.... i'm really sorry xx'.

Replied with... 'Of course I will, nothing to apologise for... it was truly awful what happened today & wish I could make everything better, feel helpless, I love you too, always... xx'.

 

**Thursday**

Stayed at Serena's last night and just held her... she is struggling again. She went with Jason to the cemetery after he was pestering her again after speaking with Alan. She seemed more peaceful when they returned but I know that it had been a huge ordeal for her.

Jason went straight to his room to play on the computer and I sat and chatted with Serena about how she is feeling. She feels lost.... her counselling sessions are still going ok but this latest blip has really knocked her back...

I'm staying again tonight just to hold her while she falls asleep... she says it helps... not sure what else I can do. Seem to be smoking more than ever and drinking more too... really not good at all.

Work hectic but the AAU staff are wonderful... they don't pry about what is going on with Serena but show they care. Jasmine bought me a coffee this afternoon and Morven took me to one side to tell me if I need anything to just ask her.

Spoke to Cam today and I miss him so very much... could really do with him here at the moment although Charlotte has been great. She text today offering her support again...

 

**Saturday**

Staying at the flat this weekend... Serena needs space and I have got Jason and Charlotte staying. Been to the the gym and generally just trying to keep strong and help Jason. I think he could do with some counselling himself but not pressing him on it...

The three of us watched films mainly this afternoon. Missed Serena... I sent her a text checking on her tonight and she replied instantly with... 'What am I doing here without you... I just don't know whether I am coming or going... one minute I want space and the next I need you so much I feel like I can't breathe. I love you Bernie, never forget that xx'.

Sent back a quick reply saying that I would go round and see her in the morning. She typed back... 'What would I do without you, you are amazing and I am so lucky to have found you Bernie, you are my life xx'.

I am praying we will get through this... together...


	39. Chapter 39

**Tuesday** (2 weeks later)

Things have been... a nightmare... my nightmare... Serena has gone away for a while and I haven't been strong enough to write down how I was feeling until tonight... maybe it will help...

Sat with a glass of whiskey with everything going round and round my head... the last day she was at work and what I thought had happened... unthinkable.

She has taken 6 months off initially... Hanssen suggested it and she had to agree... things couldn't carry on like they were... especially with Jasmine.

It was getting so very hard to work together as well... our relationship crossing over into hospital stuff... how could it not... under the circumstances.

Anyway... sat here writing down what has happened so I can mentally process it all.... Serena took a flight to Australia two days ago to stay with her second cousin for a few weeks... then what? who knows...

Took her to the airport and it has to be one of the most awful days of my life... I feel completely heartbroken even though I know we will be together again... hopefully in 6 months... if not before. I very much hope to see her before then... how will I cope without our relationship which has become everything and my whole life... with her.

Everything is up in the air... she couldn't make me any promises except that she loves me with all her heart. She said she would destroy us if she stayed and she is doing it for us as much as herself... she wants us to be together and she needs time and space to try to work through things... think I can see the irony there... the time and space issue...

Jason is really very upset and doesn't understand what is happening to his Auntie. He also doesn't understand what has happened to our relationship and why we are going to be apart in distance for a bit...

He has moved in with Alan... which I am relieved at... takes the pressure off. He will come to mine for tea at least once a week though so that will be nice. Charlotte has been so kind and Cam called after Charlotte told him about Serena.

I need something to focus on apart from keeping AAU running smoothly in Serena's absence. Serena was my life and I feel lost... and alone... even though I am not technically.

She did text me to say she had arrived safely... don't know which is worse... hearing from her or not... my heart aches... tried to sound friendly back though and supportive, sent... 'So relieved you are there safely, have a lovely time out there, thinking of you, I love you Serena, never forget that, all my love always B xx'.

She replied with... 'Thinking of you too, I need to do this for me and for us though... we are worth it. I love you too, miss you already xx'.

More whiskey is needed...

 

**Thursday**

Jason came round for tea this evening... was lovely to have him here and chattering away. He likes living at Alan's but says he misses me which made me go quickly to the bathroom and shed a tear in private... I miss Serena so very much... it hurts so much. I miss being around Jason daily as well... we were a little family and now I don't have that structure or safety.

He loved the ice cream I had got for dessert which made me smile. We watched tv together and just chatted... I found it comforting... to be close to him when I feel this sad.

Cam called tonight to check on me... I wish he was around. He is doing well at work which is something... he seemed ok and was very chatty tonight.

Work is not the same without Serena... the office feels empty, there is no warmth that Serena bought to it. Jasmine and Morven have been so lovely to me and supportive, poor Jasmine, I feel for her...

 

**Sunday**

Weekends are really hard... Charlotte came to stay last night which felt lovely. Been to the gym this afternoon but apart from that I have moped...

My head is full of the weekends I shared with Serena in happier times when we were first together and it all felt... beautiful and amazing... how I long for those days again...

I did have a text from her this morning.... 'I hope you are coping ok darling, thinking of you. Australia is beautiful... stunning, have visited Sydney and the Blue Mountains National Park this week... would you like some photo's or would that be too difficult? The anger is starting to lift and I feel it is doing me good. I love you so much S xx'.

I replied that I would like some photo's which she emailed me. The place she is staying with her cousin looks lovely and her photo's around Sydney were really good. I wish I was there with her but didn't say that...  just thanked her and said I loved her too.

Think Ric is due to help on AAU this week, we'll see how that goes... we often clash terribly but know he is a close friend of Serena's so will try my best for it to work out! 


	40. Chapter 40

**Tuesday**

Really tough day... lost a young child in theatre and there was nothing we could do to stop it happening... could really do with a hug from Serena. Back to empty flat and microwave meal... where did all the happiness go?

Just noticed a packet left by the plant pot by the front door and it looks like Serena's writing. Pouring a large whiskey then will open it...

Inside was the sweetest koala soft toy and a long letter which before I even started to read it made me cry... I miss her so much my heart hurts.

Her letter:

_Dear Bernie,_

_You won't believe this but I actually haven't written a love letter before! I know! Me Serena Campbell... anyway you are the first person I have written one to so here goes..._

_I miss you so very much, I am having a lovely time but I crave you badly... your kisses and love. I sent the koala to cheer you up and maybe for you to cuddle until I am back in your arms..._

_I am ready to make a promise to you.. if you'll still have me? That last day at work... the things I said... were completely horrible and I didn't mean any of them at the time... the grief was so raw and I was lashing out... typically at the person I love most in the world._

_I love you Bernie and if you still want a future together then I promise you have me for always. I don't want you to feel you have to promise anything back... I know I deeply hurt you before I left and maybe there isn't a way back but I am hoping and praying you still love me too._

_The time we were together before Elinor's death was the happiest time of my life... you need to know that. When I return... and it may be a little while... I want us to make a commitment to each other... that is what I want... I am laying my heart open for you because it is what you deserve to hear and to know because it is true._

_I hope you are taking care of yourself and I hope I can call you at the weekend for a chat... if you would like to... I don't want to make things more difficult for you._

_Going to see the Great Barrier Reef this week... going to be pretty amazing. This is all helping... I want you to know that I am healing inside gradually and want to feel as mended as I can before I come home to you... because you are home to me Bernie._

_Will send you a postcard later in the week, please stay strong, you are the love of my life..._

_Your Serena xx_

Can't stop the tears falling... happy and sad tears... the letter is what I needed and the koala is just the cutest thing. Serena can take as long as she needs to heal as long as she comes back to me... I can wait... I will wait for her...

 

**Thursday**

Busy week, Jason came round for tea tonight and was lovely to see him. He had received a packet from Serena too with a letter and a kangaroo soft toy. He bought the toy to show me and I showed him my koala. I didn't want him to read my letter from Serena as it is deeply personal to me but he told me what she had said to him and how sorry she was for her behaviour before she left and that she misses him.

We had a curry and watched a couple of documentaries together... felt really comforting. 

Cam called to check on me and it was so good to hear from him, I wish he would come back to Holby but he seems happy where he is... at the moment.

 

**Saturday**

Worked today, pretty quiet on the ward, was trying to keep busy...

Got home to find a postcard from Serena with pictures of the Great Barrier Reef on the front... her message said:

_Bernie,_

_I have to bring you to Australia one day... it is completely stunning and very peaceful, you would like it._

_Still missing you badly darling, I am thinking we should take a holiday together at some point if you would like to and I would love you to visit me... perhaps wherever I end up next... we could meet up? If you wanted to of course..._

_Have seen so many beautiful coral reefs, star fish, sea birds and even two sharks... the trip was spectacular!_

_I love you always, will call Sunday,_

_Serena xx_

Going for a swim tonight but in the meantime I will re-read her letter and postcard and cuddle up to the koala... it brings me some comfort when I feel so lost...

I do love her so very much and desperately want to meet up with her as soon as she is ready... can't wait to hear her voice tomorrow...


	41. Chapter 41

**Monday**

Spoke to Serena yesterday which was so lovely... she sounded happy but of course missing me and us... I tried to hold it together on the phone and chat normally but did cry when we said goodbye and I love you. We kept the conversation to what she had been doing on her trip... I didn't want to fill her in on Holby business... she is taking a break!

She said she is moving on to the Gold Coast and then Melbourne this week... she will send me postcards!

She must have said she loved me five times during our chat... I said it once at the end as was finding it very difficult... I miss her so much it hurts.

Work busy today... settling Nurse Somers in and trying to handle Fletch and his issues with her! Don't blame him really but we all have to work together and do what is best for the patients!!

Fletch was also stressed about his holiday plans and the money he thinks he should give back to Nurse Somers... not quite sure what he will decide but I was trying my best to help him when my mind wasn't really on it.... on any of it...

 

**Wednesday**

Still trying to sort Fletch out at work, quieter day otherwise thankfully...

Jason came round for tea tonight and we watched some Doctor Who episodes... find it so comforting to spend time with him... he is that link to Serena and every time I see him he says he misses me and misses Serena. She hasn't called him but has sent him emails and photo's which he prints out and reads over and over again. He says he likes living with Alan but he misses living with Serena and seeing me all the time... felt really sad.

Charlotte called tonight and going to see her at the weekend... her and Cam have been a huge support at the moment by just being there and keeping in touch more often.

 

**Friday**

Got a lovely parcel from Serena this morning with a gorgeous navy t-shirt from Bondi Beach and another letter... saved it to read after work as didn't want to turn up with red, sore eyes from crying.

The letter:

_Bernie, darling..._

_I hope you like the t-shirt, saw it and thought of you. Thought you would look gorgeous in it and have spent some time there this week so it is a little piece of my travels for you._

_I hope you are coping ok, I loved chatting to you on Sunday, I hope it wasn't too hard for you, would like to think we can chat once a week if you would like me to call you?_

_I understand from Jason that you see each other for a meal once a week, that's nice, thank you for taking the trouble to check on him and spend time with him, I know he appreciates it and so do I._

_The Gold Coast is stunning... seriously... on the way to Melbourne shortly so will send you a postcard from there. As well as the beach we have been to Sea World which was amazing. I am feeling my spirits lift and enjoying myself despite missing you like crazy... I hope you know how much I do..._

_I tend to think about you the most just before I fall asleep and wonder how you are and think about how much you mean to me, I love you._

_Will write again soon, you are my everything Bernie... always._

_Your Serena xx_

Stayed strong and didn't cry this time... I feel I am doing a bit better, work is helping... lots of tough surgeries to lose myself in and helping people. Ric has been keeping a close eye on things on AAU... he was getting right on my nerves to start with about being behind with my paperwork but actually he has been a support and we seem to have got on a bit better... who knows if it will last though!!!

 

**Sunday**

Spent a lovely day with Charlotte yesterday shopping and having lunch... it felt so good to spend time with her and exactly what I need at the moment. She is doing so well at uni and she was glad of the break and decent meal too! 

Can't wait to hear from Serena later... suggested we use Skype so we are going to try that... hopefully won't upset me too much. 

Really busy week ahead at work so need to start eating better and cutting down on the cigarettes and whiskey... back to the gym tomorrow after work too... seem to have let myself go and that is not what Serena would want. Need to stay strong... 


	42. Chapter 42

**Tuesday**

Really struggling without Serena... my life... is falling apart and not just slowly... seem to still be drinking and smoking way too much, just need to find the willpower to stop... it's so hard at the moment.

Worked with Ollie Valentine today on AAU, he was meant to help but got in the way... going to Ric behind my back and questioning my way forward.

Ric still meddling in AAU but sometimes can be an asset, need to be more patient with everyone, AAU needs the help at the moment and feel like I am drowning in paperwork.

Went to Albie's after shift and drank until I couldn't drink anymore. Ric was buying and it felt good to feel the numbness of too much whiskey and many shots of tequila.

Sent Serena a drunk text when got in but haven't had a reply yet... god I miss her... she gets me and loved me for me...

 

**Thursday**

Got a letter from Serena today and in the parcel was a leather diary/journal with an embossed picture of Ayers Rock on it. It is beautiful and again waited until back from work to read the letter...

 

_Dear Bernie,_

_I hope you are ok darling... I saw the gift and thought you would like it... I know you use a diary and it helps make sense of your feelings so thought you would like to write in it while I am away._

_Don't want to sit here writing this to you with tears falling down my cheeks so I will just tell you what I have been doing and what I have seen this week..._

_Obviously visited Ayers Rock and it had the most stunning views, we actually climbed quite high up... you would have been proud of me! I have taken plenty of photos that I can email to you if you would like to see? The wildlife is marvellous here, so unusual and I find myself getting absorbed in all things Australian... helps to fully lose myself in amazing things... the trip is helping darling..._

_After Ayers Rock we visited Alice Springs, the reptile centre was truly fascinating, Jason would have loved it, took lots of photo's for him._

_Moving on to Perth shortly so will send you a postcard from there. I am starting to think ahead to when I leave Australia... not just yet... am loving it here. Think I may travel back to Europe and perhaps go to France for a while... would you meet me there at some point...? have a think... I would really love to see you... so very much..._

_Speak to you on Sunday, all my love always,_

_Your Serena xx_

 

France... yes definitely... fell more upbeat after reading that letter and I would drop everything and go to her wherever she is if she wanted to see me.

Jason is coming round for tea tomorrow so going to go out to the supermarket to get something proper for us to eat... living off whatever is easiest at the moment... not much!

 

**Saturday**

So thankful to be working this weekend... I hate them with being alone... not that I used to but now I know what weekends can be like with someone you love it just hurts and I would rather bury myself in AAU as a distraction. Plenty of surgeries to lose myself in and all successful... was great working with Morven... she quietly supports me without interfering.

Spoke to Cam tonight and it was so good to hear from him... miss him far too much and wish he would work closer so I could see him more. He is keeping in touch with Jason which was lovely to hear... he can be very kind hearted.

Trying to give up the cigarettes, haven't had any today yet and will try not to tomorrow. Couldn't help but drink tonight though... can't wait until I chat with Serena tomorrow... once a week of her isn't enough but I cling onto what she can offer at the moment and also clinging onto the thought of meeting her in France when she wants to go there.

I want and need our relationship so much... it is killing me being apart but not telling her this... she needs to heal and feel much better before she comes back home and back to me... and us...


	43. Chapter 43

**Tuesday**

Cam is back for the week... just what I need... he is observing in surgery for one of his placement tasks and I get him to myself on AAU under our mentoring scheme. It's his birthday tomorrow too so all in all he couldn't have come back at a better time and is staying with me... so so good to have him back.

We spent ages catching up last night when he got here and found out he has a new girlfriend... she sounds... somewhat... mmm... how do I put it... not what I would have chosen for him but then again who am I to judge. He asked sensitively about Serena but I didn't feel like talking about the situation... just said that she is travelling round Australia at the moment.

I haven't heard from her yet this week but I am going to write her an email after receiving those beautiful letters from her... I think she deserves something from me but as she is moving around email is the best way to reach her as she is in Perth at the moment then moving on through the Margaret River wine region to the north.

Went for drinks after shift and Cam and Morven looked very close... feeling really happy about this... they would be great together and it would bring him back here, fingers crossed for them.

Getting on much better with Ric... we have banter and it is good to have that again... even though it is with Ric and not with... yes... Serena. I wrote her an email when got back from Albie's... it is not like me to pour my heart out with words but hoping she will appreciate that I have done it for her and what she means to me...

My email:

_Serena,_

_I have wanted to write to you for a few weeks now and every time I go to start I end up just staring at the screen and picturing your beautiful face... because you are so beautiful you know and I miss you._

_It is so lovely to hear that the trip is helping and you are seeing all these amazing things... your chats with me and letters are keeping me going... I never thought I would ache to hold someone so much... never had that before and you know it... have always just relied on myself and powered through even the most appalling circumstances but you have gotten into the core of my heart and for that I am both thankful and terrified... you know that._

_Things here aren't the same without you, AAU plods on with Ric intervening but everything reminds me of you... your desk, Pulses, the trauma unit, just everything... I am coping... I don't want you to worry but you are the linchpin to my life and you deserve to know that Serena... home... work it's all you... me and us._

_Your gifts to me are so thoughtful... it's the kind of person you are and I love you. Please don't feel you have to send me things... just... they make me smile and so does reading your beautiful letters._

_Cam is staying with me this week and he sends his love as does Jason who is coping but also needs you so much too._

_I hope you have a safe journey on the next part of your adventure and so relieved to hear that it is helping you and you are feeling a bit stronger..._

_All my love,_

_Bernie xx_

 

**_Thursday_ **

Went out for dinner last night for Cam's birthday with Morven too... this is looking very promising!!

Work quieter and when got back home saw a postcard from Serena telling me all about Perth... she had sent it before receiving my email so it was just telling me about what she has seen... Australia's gold history tour, John Forrest National Park and the casino!! Good for her... her cousin is obviously making sure she has a fun time and I am very grateful for that. She said at the bottom of her postcard that she loves me so much and has a surprise for me arriving on Saturday.... wonder what that is??!!

 

**Saturday**

Cam has gone back to London today and I feel depressed. It was so lovely having him around all week and now he is gone again. Guessing he will be around more now that Morven is his girlfriend though - couldn't be happier about that!

Gym this morning then got back to find my surprise... a ticket to Paris for in ten days time to meet Serena there for a weekend... wow... lost for words... I am beyond elated and she is just the best surprising me like that... how romantic!!

Have called Ric straight away as he is working today and booked the time off. He seemed pleased for me and said he wanted to call Serena anyway to catch up so thanked me for reminding him.

Wow Paris... I have got butterflies and will be counting down the days until I see her!!

Jason came round tonight for tea, was lovely to see him and I told him about Paris. He was really happy for me and asked me to take some things for Serena to give her from him... very sweet. I can't stop smiling... things are looking up :) 


	44. Chapter 44

**Monday (week later)**

Have spent the past week getting ready for my trip to Paris... beyond excited... I am going to see Serena... the love of my life tomorrow!!!!! Have an early flight and she is kindly picking me up from the airport. She is already there staying in a lovely hotel where I will be staying with her for four days... just can't wait.

It has been lovely to have some days off work... a break... caught up with Charlotte over the weekend and have been doing quite a lot of shopping... some gifts to take for Serena and also some new bits for me as almost never treat myself.

Saw Jason on Friday evening and he gave me some things for Serena... a bottle of Shiraz, chocolates and a small card... his way of saying and showing just how much he misses her... very sweet. Have packed them into my suitcase so don't forget!

He seemed very quiet on Friday and we had a chat... he is really missing spending time with Serena & I and think he would have loved to come with me to see Serena... Serena hasn't mentioned anything about seeing Jason though so didn't like to bring it up. I have promised to go camping with him when get back as still have some time off when return from Paris... a two week break is so lovely... thought I would be going mad but... have been just too excited about my trip to see Serena and now have planned to take Jason to Wales for two nights camping which he thought was 'amazing'... he seemed so happy and has definitely cheered him up!!

Serena called yesterday and she sounded so happy and excited about me going to see her. Her flight to Paris from Australia was extremely long with some turbulence so very relieved she is there safely. We talked for ages... both of us so full of excitement and butterflies about being together... I love her so very much... not being able to see her or touch her has been very difficult... I need her so much... can't wait to just hold her tightly...

 

**Tuesday**

On the plane to Paris... can't sleep as got nervous butterflies in my stomach and feel too on edge to relax. In just an hour I will be with Serena again and my heart is racing...

Have had a double whiskey to try and steady my nerves but still feel wound up... keyed up... excitement and nerves... silly really...

Ok... going to try and rest... read a newspaper that has been left in the front pocket of the seat in front of me...

 

**Wednesday**

It is late in the evening and wanted to write some memories down as Serena is taking a bath and I am in bed in the hotel we are staying in... I haven't felt as happy for a long, long time...

I will not be able to tear myself apart from her when it's time to leave... not thinking about it yet... will be too painful.

When she met me at the airport yesterday she was beaming and we hugged... holding onto each other for at least five minutes. She whispered... "You look beautiful... I have missed you so desperately...". Think I just nodded... couldn't really speak... it was too much... the emotion I felt in that moment.

We took a taxi to the hotel and just stayed in the room for the rest of the day... yes... well... there was a lot of time to make up for!! She had such an amazing time in Australia... she looks more relaxed and like the old Serena... we talked late into the night yesterday... just catching up laying in each others arms and well... yes... being in love like we are... the hotel is gorgeous... she is gorgeous... I need her so much...

We have spent today wandering around Paris....bliss... so much to see and to be with Serena is perfect... I have missed just being us... we had our photo taken by a kind tourist in front of the Eiffel Tower which I will treasure... she looks stunning and it is a great picture of us... already forwarded it to Cam, Charlotte and Jason.

I'm not sure what the plan is for tomorrow but I want to take her for a fancy French meal... have managed to save quite a bit of money over the last few months and determined to enjoy it over the next few days...

When she comes out of the bathroom... I am going to ask to hold her tightly all night long... beautiful, brave, perfect for me Serena Campbell who I adore with all my heart... always...


	45. Chapter 45

**Sunday**

Sat on the plane home and wanted to write down the memories from the last few days so I never forget them...

I have had the best time with Serena and it was just what we needed... she seems to be getting back to her old self... gradually... and even though some part of her has changed forever because of Elinor's death there is light and hope that she will be able to live her life happily and we have a future together.

It is an odd feeling sat here... leaving her... she is off to the South of France tomorrow for a while but could make me a promise that she will be back to me when she is ready and wants us to make that commitment to each other which is what I desperately wanted to hear. She has a close friend from Harvard who moved to France to work on a vineyard and he invited her to stay for a while when he heard about Elinor's death in case she wanted a change of scenery. He gave up medicine last year and is really happy there so Serena has taken him up on his kind offer and has a place to stay and see what she wants to do while she is there.

The last few days... to be able to wander along the River Seine together and just talk and talk... bliss... not like me at all... the talking part but she makes me feel comfortable and I had nothing to lose by opening my heart to her every day that we were together without putting pressure on her to return before she is ready and definitely no pressure of commitments even though I wanted her to say the words...

We had some amazing food and to be able to hold her... touch her without feeling guilty for doing so... tell her I love her hundreds of times was a true privilege. 

I feel depressed flying home but also a part of me is thankful for the few days we have just shared and still so grateful that I even met Serena at all and fell in love. She makes me so happy and Australia was exactly what she needed. I must ask Jason for Serena's cousin's details... I want to personally thank her for helping Serena and showing her a fabulous time... it was just what Serena needed and I am truly thankful to her.

Drinking Whiskey at the moment and going straight back to the flat when I land... Jason has a few days off this week so I will arrange the camping trip with him... maybe to go Tuesday... need a day to catch up with things.

I am lonely already without Serena by my side... I have never felt lonely... always things to do and get on with but she is deep within my heart and when I am not by her side I don't feel complete. She promised me that when she comes back she wants us to move in together and I agreed it is what I want too. She couldn't give a timescale but I didn't ask her to give me one, there is only one woman for me and I told her I am not going anywhere ever... she is it for me and she should take as long as she needs.

 

**Monday**

Still missing Serena dreadfully after our precious time together... have had more time to think with not having work as a distraction but... Jason and I are going off camping in Wales tomorrow for two nights so hoping that will take my mind off things.

He is excited and took him this afternoon to get some bits he needed for the trip... I have some old stuff we can use from my army days and Charlotte has some of Cam's stuff that we can borrow in her student house so calling to get that on the way tomorrow. 

Serena got to the South of France ok... she sent a sweet text... 'Arrived in the south and weather is glorious, missing you darling, our time together was beyond what I had hoped it would be, I am so in love with you and you have been amazing to me.  Will call on Sunday, have fun with Jason in Wales, please stay safe, let me know when you get there, all my love always S Xx'.

Jason just called from Alan's checking the time for me picking him up in the morning and we had a chat, he is looking forward to it and spending time with me, he said he has missed me so much and wants to hear all about Paris. I told him Serena loved his gifts and he seemed much happier.

Going to try and go to sleep earlier as doubt will get as much sleep in the next few days...

 

**Thursday**

Had a fantastic time camping with Jason... he was up for doing some activities and really enjoyed himself. It worked out really well and luckily there wasn't any rain at all... how lucky!

I thought he may struggle with not sticking to rigid routines but it just shows how much progress he is making... has made...

We were able to talk for ages in the evenings... even though by nature we are not very chatty people... I feel comfortable with him and we were pretty exhausted anyway after the long walks!! We went up Snowdon... not all the way but a fair way up... it felt exhilarating mentally to let go and just walk...

Took him dry ski slope skiing which he found 'brilliant'!! Took Cam and Charlotte when they were younger and they had loved it so knew Jason would too. He tried it and was great! I haven't been for years but really enjoyed it again!

Jason sent Serena a selfie photo of us and she replied immediately with a big smiley face saying it was a beautiful photo of her two favourite people... made me blush slightly and my heart hurt for a minute or so before I made myself mentally get back into the present moment with Jason and we went off to do some canoeing!!

Again Jason was courageous and gave it a good go... he said he trusts me to keep him safe which made me well up. Canoeing on the Welsh lakes was... beautiful and the views were stunning. Wow... have had a lot of beautiful scenery in the last fortnight... Paris and Wales...

Pretty exhausted tonight but trying to focus on the positives in my life and not what I don't have at the moment which is just Serena by my side... here with me... everyday... I know she loves me and that is a comfort... just need distractions to keep my mind occupied before I spiral... will focus on Cam, Charlotte, Jason and work... keeping AAU running like clockwork for when Serena returns to me... and we are us again...


	46. Chapter 46

**Monday**

Feel completely drained... it's like I can't think straight at work at the moment... I know I must have said the wrong things to Nina today but she seemed alright before I left for the day and knows she has my backing to work on AAU. It feels so strange to work with someone again closely running the ward and it's not... Serena.

What Nina must have gone through with her family is truly awful... beyond comprehension... she is very brave and wants to throw herself back into work and the challenge of AAU. We need doctors like her at the moment...

I'm missing Serena so badly... I can't and won't tell her just how much as I want her to feel supported to be away as long as she needs to... for her to heal as much as she can before she comes back to me and our life together... it is so hard though. The small taste of being back together in Paris, as wonderful as it was... has made things harder for me and I am struggling...

She sent me an email today from the vineyard...

_Bernie,_

_How are you darling? I hope things are going ok at the hospital? I am enjoying my new adventure here, weather beautiful and Lawrence has been so kind in letting me stay for a while. He knows about you and is happy for me and would like to meet you at some point, you would be very welcome to come and stay here if you felt like it..._

_The vineyard is huge and takes him a lot of time to care for it, he has help but not all the time. I am finding it relaxing taking charge of the cooking and house, normal things that help someone and also having the time to explore the area and drink some delicious wine... you would like it here..._

_I am really missing you... I hope you know how much, I keep thinking about Paris and of course how beautiful and wonderful you are to me..._

_I count myself as very fortunate, having this time to focus on myself and heal my grief as much as possible, thank you.... thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking by me when things got really tough and for still loving me the way you do..._

_I love you so much Bernie, please email me back when you have a minute, I would like to call you at the weekend, if you would like me to..._

_All my love,_

_Your Serena xx_

I have just stopped the tears from falling as I have read her email, of course I love her, I always will... it is very hard being away from her though and us being apart. I will go and visit her there at some point... she needs her space to grieve at the moment though and as amazing as Paris was I can't keep going to her all the time... defeats the object of what she is trying to do...

Jason rang tonight for a chat, he is coming round for tea on Thursday this week as his youth group night has changed. I do so enjoy seeing him, will enjoy that.

 

**Wednesday**

Ok... I am a little worried about this man that Serena is staying with now. I don't know where this is coming from just that I feel jealous and can't stop thinking irrational thoughts. I know Serena is grieving and he is being very kind in letting her stay there but I just know how charming and gorgeous she is naturally and he is a straight (as far as I know) red blooded man. I do trust her and her love for me just can't help thinking about the possibility of something happening between them and it makes me feel awful for thinking like that. They are friends from Harvard so he knows her fairly well I assume...

Sent her an email as I was particularly missing her today:

_Serena,_

_Thank you for your lovely email, I am so pleased you are feeling relaxed and happy in the South of France, you deserve to enjoy yourself with no responsibilities and to heal until you are ready to return to me... and I really hope you will return to me._

_Tell me a bit more about your friend Lawrence... would love to know more..._

_Things at the hospital are ok, working with a rather good doctor at the moment... Nina... and of course Ric is on hand as always to make sure I am doing my paperwork!! Nina was married to Matteo and they had an awful tragedy... their son was taken and is still missing... truly awful..._

_Have decided to train for the Holby half marathon, will give me something positive to focus on and get me fitter! Will need to train hard though, seem to have let myself go a bit lately!_

_Jason is doing ok, I am seeing him tomorrow for dinner, he misses you though... as do I... a lot._

_Enjoy the rest of your week, Lawrence is very lucky having your gorgeous cooking every evening, yes please call me at the weekend._

_All my love always,_

_Bernie xx_

 

**Friday**

Jason came round for tea last night and ended up staying, was lovely to spend time with him, always is. He reminds me so much of the life Serena & I shared before Elinor's death. Happy times... kind of sad memories now but poignant. He is getting on well at work and enjoying living with Alan again, he asked if he could see Charlotte again soon and I said I would ask her over the weekend... hoping to catch up with her myself!

Went for a run this evening... my god... the stiffness afterwards... getting old!! Maybe I should take it more easily to start with and build up... will train again on Sunday...

 

**Sunday**

Spent yesterday with Charlotte, lovely... just went out for a pizza lunch and chatted. She would like to see Jason again soon too so will have them both round for tea next week. 

Just normal day doing chores today and went for a run this afternoon... coped much better... there is hope... there is no way I am not keeping up with the younger ones in this half marathon!! Plenty of time to improve and hoping it will help take my mind off Serena and Lawrence... yes I am still thinking about that... I know it's awful and not healthy but can't help my mind from going there.

She is calling later and need to stop being pathetic and trust her love for me and our future together... I so wish I didn't have a jealous streak a mile long...


	47. Chapter 47

**Tuesday**

Been running tonight and god do I feel exhausted... don't know what is wrong with me at the moment... it seems such an effort and it shouldn't!! Keeping fit used to come easily to me and I just haven't got the energy right now. Work has been full on and just want to sleep and sleep some more...

The amount of smoking I am doing has got to stop and I want to feel healthier all round and also stop relying on ready meals, they are just so convenient though. Supposed to be having Charlotte and Jason round for tea tomorrow but just cancelled feel awful... not up to doing that this week... feel... not sure how I feel but just down...

 

**Wednesday**

More running tonight and did a bit better... Serena would say not to be too hard on myself but I can't help it... I want to do well. Called Charlotte and Jason and they are coming round on Friday... feel a bit more positive as I had an email from Serena this morning...

 

_Dear Bernie,_

_I hope you are ok my love... missed chatting with you on Skype and hope you are feeling better?_

_Just to put your mind at rest... Lawrence and I are good friends yes but never would be anything more than that... he prefers blondes anyway... as do I ;) and I only want a woman now... I only want you... you Bernie Wolfe... do you hear me loud and clear????!!! :)_

_I have been helping around the place and been looking round the village doing some painting... find it relaxing as well as picking the grapes!! You would be impressed!_

_I miss you so much... do you think you would like to come out here soon to visit? Lawrence would love to meet you and of course I would really love to see you... so very much, you have my heart and I can't stop thinking about you._

_The grief is still there of course but not as raw as it was... the sunshine and life here is doing me good... I think I may try and find a therapist here for a few weeks, see if I can improve further... what do you think?_

_Hope your week is going ok and the half marathon training?_

_All my love,_

_Your Serena xx_

 

I feel more reassured now and have thought that I should actually go over to Serena's house and check on everything for her as I said I would... will go after work tomorrow...

 

**Thursday**

In theatre all day today and then called at Serena's... was so very strange being there without her... without her coming home to me or without Jason there. Checked her post and watered the plants.... then just sat in her bedroom and lay down for a bit... I could still smell her perfume in the en suite as I walked in and it gave me goosebumps...

The sheets on her bed still smell of her and some of her clothes are in the closet... the ones she didn't need for her trip... mainly winter items.

Checked on the garden and it could do with some work doing so I will head over again at the weekend and tidy it up for her... it felt comforting to be in her space but it also brings back memories... some amazing and some painful...

Sat in the garden and smoked for a bit then called for a Chinese on the way back to the flat... wondering if I will live with Serena at her house when she returns... I would jump at the chance but it has to come from her... she said that is what she wants when we were in Paris and it did make me smile to think about our time together there and how very precious it was... to both of us.

 

**Friday**

Off work today... hours owing me... far too many really but work has been such a good distraction... Ric has made me have a long weekend so have taken it.

Emailed Serena this morning... got kind of soppy...

 

_Serena,_

_Thank you for your email, I hope you know that I trust you but yes I guess the thought of your friend liking you did crop up in my mind so thank you for behaving so maturely and kindly about it. You have a thing for blondes? ;) hopefully just me!!! :)  
_

_I checked on your place yesterday and everything fine, work been busy this week but actually have the day off today (Ric insisted!) so I am relaxing before Charlotte and Jason come round tonight for tea. I miss you too so very much... the running is going better... helps to think of you and how well you seem to be doing..._

_Looking for a therapist sounds like a plan... hopefully you will find someone who you feel comfortable talking to and I want you to know how much I want you to feel as healed as you can before you return... you need this time and I fully support it..._

_I love you Serena Campbell... more than I have ever loved anyone... I hope you realise just how much... meeting you and then loving you... has changed my life... you have my heart and always will... I will call you on Sunday..._

_All my love always,_

_Bernie xx_

 

Making a curry this afternoon for Charlotte and Jason, they should be here at around 6pm... will be nice to see them both... actually feeling a bit better now about things and plan to sort Serena's garden out over the weekend, go for a run and cut down on my atrocious smoking habit... will see how that pans out...


	48. Chapter 48

**Monday**

I feel totally numb and... alone. Jasmine... she died today and I can't make sense of it... any of it. One minute she is there and the next gone, I don't even know what really happened except she was apparently carrying a scalpel in her pocket but what happened after that is a mystery until find out more.

I couldn't save her... today... I feel like a failure and really very depressed tonight. I really need Serena and I don't even know how to tell her what has happened... she will feel... completely awful and I just so wish she was here with me and I could curl up in her arms like we used to before any of the tragedies... why can't it go back to when we were first together and discovering everything about each other... the most wonderful time and those memories are so precious. I ache to hold her and just feel her arms round me too...

I just want to be by myself if I can't be around Serena... Jason wanted to come round but have put him off for now, not feeling sociable. I need to think about how to tell Serena what has happened. Going for a long run in the rain... hopefully that will clear my mind and exhaust me at the same time, doubt I will sleep...

 

**Wednesday**

Holby is in mourning, everyone is feeling truly awful and already missing Jasmine's cheerful presence around the place. She would have carried on making such an excellent doctor in her career... she cared and was a lovely girl. Jac looks lost and although still has her strong manner and arrogance she looks dreadful.

Have drafted an email to tell Serena... took me all evening last night... I can't tell her over the phone, I just can't... so going to send this after finish work...

 

_Serena,_

_I hope you are still enjoying yourself darling, I have some terrible terrible news and haven't been sure how to tell you but I know I must.... that you would want to know and I know Ric is planning to call you tomorrow or Friday anyway..._

_It's Jasmine Burrows... she had an accident on Monday and we couldn't save her... I tried with everything I had but it was too late and too much. It all happened at the hospital while everyone was working... she had a scalpel in her pocket and fell somehow and got stabbed in the side with it... she lost so much blood and well..._

_I am feeling dreadful and so wish I was with you or you were with me... I need your loving arms and your beautiful heart so much. I know how upset you will be and I really didn't know how to tell you, couldn't say it over the phone._

_You can call me anytime you want to... once you feel like it... I miss you far too much, I love you Serena._

_Bernie xx_

 

**Thursday**

Serena called straight away last night and we cried together and just chatted for ages. It felt comforting... I really need to see her very soon and going to plan a visit to the South of France when I can get some time off... will check with Ric.

Serena is going to send flowers for the funeral so either myself or Ric will let her know the details. I know he is speaking to her at least every week, they are close and it feels nice that he understands and is a bit of a link to Serena at Holby... he supports our relationship and knows we love each other.

I am taking tomorrow off and going to visit Cam... he rang to see how I was... he knew and liked Jasmine a lot and could tell I needed a break. I can't wait to see him... just booked a hotel right by where he lives so can spend time with him this weekend... I really miss him.

 

**Saturday**

Spent such a lovely day with Cam in London and has done me good. He seems happy but not totally settled, i'm hoping he returns to Holby when he is ready... I would like that so much.

We shopped and went to some of the sights... mainly chatted and had some nice meals... he is looking too skinny for my liking.

Got back to the hotel and having a whiskey... just seen an email from Serena and it's made me smile amongst all this sadness...

 

_My darling Bernie,_

_It must have been horrendous dealing with what you have had to deal with this week without us at each others side. I can only apologise that it is taking a while for me to heal myself to return... I am getting there I promise and I am coming back to you..._

_I keep thinking about Jasmine and how badly I treated her before I had to step away from everything... from work... from Jason... from you... especially you and us..._

_I know I can't turn back the clock but if I could I would in a heart beat... I wasn't myself then... I could only feel the torturous pain I was dealing with and well... you know the rest._

_I hope you are having a nice time with Cam... please give him my love and please think about coming to France asap... I would love to see you and take care of you for a bit. I know it is difficult with work but please think about it... you mean the whole world to me... I think about us together in Paris constantly and of course when we were first together which always makes me smile._

_I have been painting quite a bit and working on the vineyard, weather still warm._

_Please call me when you get back from London... I need to know you are ok and I am ALWAYS here for you darling,_

_All my love,_

_Your Serena xx_

 

I need to sort out going to see her asap, need to kiss her so very badly. Never thought I would need someone like this... but I do... I need her and being apart is making me so miserable. She can only return when she is ready though so in the meantime I will go to her... will definitely talk to Ric...


	49. Chapter 49

**Friday** (A week later)

Have been so busy all week sorting things out... I am off to Barcelona tonight to see Serena!!!

Things really got on top of me and I needed to see her so badly. Booked everything impulsively and sent her the details once she said of course she would come. She invited me to the South of France but knew I would want to stay for good and it's better this way... a weekend just us again and somewhere neutral. She still needs time and space to heal before coming back to me properly...

Jasmine's funeral was this morning and was just so very sad... I really need this weekend so much and luckily Hanssen agreed to me having Monday off as well as my normal two days this weekend... thankfully. He asked me to give Serena his love and Ric actually gave me a brief hug to pass on to her... was a little awkward but still nice of him.

Just got to finish packing and then will be off to the airport... will grab something to eat there. Sent a quick text to Jason and he said he had spoken to Serena last night and how excited his auntie is at seeing me... made me smile and feel excited...

I just can't wait to kiss her!!!

 

**Sunday**

Serena is in the bath and I need to write down how amazing it feels to be with her again so I don't forget any of it when I get back...

Spent all of yesterday wandering round this beautiful city and sightseeing... eating amazing food and just being together... it feels... beyond wonderful... my heart... she has it... there is no one else for me for the rest of my life... I know it.

Just to hold her in bed last night and for us to kiss each other until we drifted off to sleep was the best feeling and just what we both needed. She looks more at peace I think... her time in France suits her and she is getting there...

The hotel is fabulous... fantastic offer... so glad I just went for it... know it was a bit extravagant but she is worth it all... going to go and join her in the bath now... missing her far too much!!

 

**Monday**

Laying in bed back at the flat and it's late... had the most amazing time with Serena... hopefully will see her again very soon... we miss each other really badly and don't want to be apart. She thinks she will be staying in France for another couple of months which I fully support... will go and see her there next time... promised it will be soon.

If I close my eyes I can still smell her perfume and the feel of her beautiful soft skin over me... under me... and snuggled up against me afterwards... she makes me feel... my true self and safe... comforted and loved even after what she has been through she put me first this weekend and attended to my every need... she is the most special person I have ever met... how did I get so lucky...

She has just sent me an email:

 

_Bernie,_

_Just to let you know that I got back safely darling, thank you for an incredible weekend, just to spend time with you wherever we are is the best feeling... I feel totally spoilt and thank you so much for arranging (and paying!!) for everything... you are truly amazing and I love you._

_I hope you feel you can face work this week after our time together... what happened is bound to affect how you feel and I am always here... just text, call or email me and I am there... I promise you that._

_Holding you and falling asleep with you this weekend... reminds me of the future we have together and it is what I am living for and aiming towards... I promise..._

_What I feel for you deep within my heart makes me appreciate you so much and everything we have together... what we have is so incredibly rare Bernie... I know that and is the most precious thing... I promise we will be together again soon..._

_Never forget how much I love and adore you,_

_Your Serena xx_

 

Going to fall asleep with the memories of our weekend in my mind and in my heart... Serena Campbell... how did I get so lucky to meet her and for her to fall in love with me... I promised her this weekend that we will definitely move in together when she returns and that I will keep checking on her house for her. I think she would like us to live there together and nothing would make me happier... my life is with her... always...


	50. Chapter 50

**Tuesday**

I just don't know what happened with Morven today... completely shocked and had to put her on compassionate leave straight away. Luckily for her Fran wanted the whole thing dropped and I didn't have to suspend her... I know she has had a really tough time, but even so... can't have that sort of behaviour on the ward.

Needed some whiskey when got back home earlier... I am missing Serena so much and called her. She was surprised by Morven's outburst as well and said she would email her. I know she cares about Morven and wants to send her support after what happened with Jasmine. I feel terrible too... just spoke to Cam, I know how much he likes her and well... he suggested I speak to her outside of work to see if I can be of some help... will contact her tomorrow... just too exhausted to think anymore tonight.

 

**Wednesday**

Busy day and staff shortage without Morven around... sent her a text and she is meeting me in town for a coffee after my shift today to talk. Hopefully go for a run later as well... need to get back in training for this half marathon I signed myself up for... seem to have let training slip but determined to get back on track...

Need to eat more healthily too... letting myself go is doing me no good!

 

**Thursday**

Spent an hour with Morven after work yesterday and we chatted. She thinks... knows... that Fran has something to do with what happened to Jasmine and I just listened to her. I didn't have much to say myself except that she doesn't know what happened just suspects and that I think a lot of her... she needs to put this behind her and maybe have some counselling.

She didn't think she needs it but agreed to take the rest of the week off and will be back on the ward on Monday. She asked after Cam and I said that he is doing ok and would no doubt love to hear from her...

She mentioned that she had a nice chat with Serena last night on the phone and that she misses her. I think I must have looked embarrassed or something as she reached for my arm and said 'she misses you so much Bernie...'. Think I just nodded and went a bit quiet. She knows I spent the weekend with Serena and just left it at that... she doesn't pry just lets me know that she understands.

Went for a long run last night and felt much better for it... my stamina is improving... it needs to... need to get much fitter... quickly!!

Looking forward to seeing Charles and Melanie at the weekend... it's been so long since I saw them both and it's lovely they are stopping for the night so we can have a night out and catch up. Think it has been nearly two years since I saw them and they don't know about Serena so will be nice to fill them in! Also can't wait to hear about their latest army adventures... I miss it.

 

**Saturday**

Running going much better... actually managed five miles last night... impressed myself after a busy shift and got cleaning to do this morning before the visitors arrive! Had a text from Charles to say he wants to go on a pub crawl tonight... haven't done one of those in ages!! Maybe it's just what I need though...

Had an email from Serena this morning :)

 

_Bernie,_

_I am missing you madly and can't stop thinking about Barcelona. It's lovely we have these memories to hold on to while we are apart. I promise I am getting there and feeling stronger... have been painting a lot and working on the vineyard... it's really therapeutic._

_I hope things have settled down on AAU after the business with Morven this week... I think you were going to chat with her... I hope that went ok?_

_How are you? Have you been training for the half marathon? Have to admit the thought of you running does something to me ;) you know that anyway!_

_Lawrence has been very kind and taken me to visit some places of interest and have arranged to see a therapist next week for an initial session... see how I go..._

_I love you so much, please text or email me when you can this weekend, I know you have friends staying._

_All my love,_

_Your Serena xx_

 

Sent her a quick text to say I would call her tomorrow and that I was out tonight on a pub crawl!! She sent a text back saying to enjoy myself and not to forget that she loves me... she melts my heart... she truly does!

 

**Sunday (Evening)**

God... I feel rough... I am too old for pub crawls... Charles and Melanie have just gone and although it was so great to see them and go out last night... I drank WAY too much and made a bit of a fool of myself by texting Serena and now I feel... mortified and hungover and just want to sleep...

We went to 9 different pubs last night and even though we had a curry half way round and then kept drinking I started to feel sad that I was missing Serena so decided to send her a text which I really shouldn't have sent...

I wish I had left my mobile at home... I should have... I said in my text to her that she was my life and I really wanted to marry her even though we have not discussed this together before. Think there were spelling mistakes in the text and she knew I had been heavily drinking so wouldn't take it seriously.

Charles and Melanie thought it was hilarious but I really don't think it's clever and not the way I wanted to ask Serena to marry me. She texted back after an hour of receiving my text late last night with... 'Perhaps you should ask me again when you are sober Bernie and maybe it would be nice if we were actually together when a proposal happened! Sounds like you are having fun tonight, make sure you get home safely xx'.

I didn't get an 'I love you' on her text which she always puts, I hope she is not too mad with me... I need to make it up to her and it has to be good...

God my head hurts badly and had planned to do some training tomorrow... think I will still feel rough... luckily have the day off work and really need to apologise to Serena properly. This needs to be good..... 


	51. Chapter 51

**Wednesday**

Work such an effort today... went running last night and think I have pulled at least three muscles, very sore and really need a sports massage. Going to try and book one for tomorrow... can barely move. Could really do with Serena to massage me...

Have been thinking about ways to make it up to her for my drunken behaviour or my lack of romance at the first chance I have asked her to marry me and I am going to do it... propose to her properly... when I next get the chance to have some time off and visit her in France... no messing about now... I know what I want... her... in every sense for the rest of my life and she needs to know that I do take it very seriously... my commitment and devotion to her.

 

**Thursday**

God... had the most amazing deep intensive massage after work and muscles feel much looser. Felt a bit embarrassed getting my kit off in front of the girl who was massaging me... haven't taken my clothes off in front of anyone but Serena in so long and was self conscious of my scars as well as being practically topless so she could work on my abs. Blushing thinking about it... I will keep that information to myself I think!! 

She also worked on my thigh quadriceps which felt bruised and said I should lay off the training until the weekend at least, which is frustrating but my tired old body needs to recover!

Ordered Serena a present and had it sent to her 1st class... she should get it tomorrow... I really hope she likes it. We talked on Skype tonight and I think she has forgiven me... she didn't mention my drunk text to her and if it still bothered her she definitely would have done... she doesn't let things go easily!

Going to start looking at rings to see what sort of thing she may like...

Jason text earlier to ask if we could catch up after work tomorrow. Going to meet him in Pulses for a coffee as Charlotte is coming for dinner tomorrow evening.... looking forward to seeing her.

 

**Friday**

Met up with Jason and it was lovely to chat with him and catch up... he has got into model making at Alan's and was showing me the photo's on his phone of what he is currently building... an RAF jet plane... he thought I would like it which is really sweet of him and it looks rather good!

Charlotte has just gone, was lovely to see her and going to have a long hot soak... muscles much better but want to take care of them to get back to running... hopefully on Sunday...

Had a lovely email from Serena tonight... she liked my gift :) :)

 

_Bernie Wolfe,_

_You romantic woman! There is nothing to make up for... at all... but... I do love my present... wow... no one has ever bought me anything that romantic before in my life... you have stolen my breath literally from the moment we met and today you stole it again..._

_When I opened the gift box I shed a few tears... that is how much it meant... I love it... wow... a star named after me... Forever Serena_

_I have tried to find it looking up in the dark but it is not a clear night tonight, will try again tomorrow. I think of you when I look at the stars my love... and picture our happy future together and think about how much I adore you._

_Please come and see me soon... whenever you can... I know it's not easy with getting the time off and I understand that it may not be for a while but a girl can ask..._

_How's work been? I know you very sweetly don't want to remind me of it by talking about it too much but I do care you know... especially with anything you are going through._

_I know things have been difficult since Jasmine's death and Morven having issues so don't forget I am always here for you whenever you need me._

_Got my first therapy session tomorrow, wish me luck, it had to be delayed as the therapist was ill but back on track for tomorrow... nervous!_

_I adore and love you so much Bernie, please call me when you get chance over the weekend._

_Your Serena xx_

 

Not too many plans over the weekend, just training if I can on Sunday and may go for a drink with Fletch as he asked if I wanted to and I would like that... just the one though!! Need to eat more healthily and may start searching for the perfect ring for Serena... it really has to be perfect for her...


	52. Chapter 52

**Tuesday**

Still can't believe what Morven did... honestly i'm shocked and hurt on Cam's behalf. I really thought they were good together and had a future... what do I know though... not much when it comes to relationships really.

Spoke to Cam... he called after they decided to break up and he sounded really down. He is coming back at the weekend to stay with me, want to take the opportunity to look after him, he is still my little boy deep down and wouldn't want him to feel hurt for the world.

Training going better... have booked another sports massage! It really helped and need to take care of myself at the moment, I haven't been doing that and can't get away with not doing at my age! Eating slightly better, will try and cook proper meals for Cam on Saturday, really can't wait to see him.

Skyped Serena last night and we ended up chatting for a good two hours... god I miss her... so much. It was so lovely to talk to her, her first therapist appointment went great and she seemed more relaxed in herself generally. Her sparkle is returning slowly and god have I missed her witty, naughty side... she is so god damn attractive and leaves me feeling weak. Wish I was with her right now...

Still going to propose... I need to make her mine for keeps.

**Thursday**

Cleaned the flat tonight in preparation for Cam staying, it was a right mess really but now looks and feels clean and fresh! 

Managed a five mile run too... pleased! Looking forward to getting my muscles expertly worked on tomorrow.

Nina is starting to irritate me again work wise, I feel as if my opinion is not taken seriously without Serena here and her backup. The trauma unit may lose funding and then don't know what I will do...

Looked at some potential rings online for Serena... I think she would like white gold and maybe diamonds... she is not the understated type but also not over the top... she is just perfect in my eyes... will keep looking, want to order it then have got it for when I visit her... hopefully very soon.

  **Saturday**

So so good to see Cam, he has lost weight and looks upset this weekend. I think him splitting up with Morven has really made him unhappy and it feels good to take care of him. He is reserved about how he feels like me. Charlotte is coming over tomorrow so she may get him to open up a bit more.

Muscles feel much better after the massage yesterday. Don't think Serena would be too impressed by a twenty three year old rubbing and massaging my naked skin so keeping it to myself... wouldn't be good for her to get jealous when we are apart and she would be jealous or not happy about it I know she would!

Had an email from her this morning which made me grin and miss her with all my heart at the same time:

  _Bernie,_

_Wanted to write to you to tell you how much I love you... yes... I know... feeling sentimental, soppy and missing you... my partner so very much. It won't be long until we are together properly again, I just know it. Therapy is still going really well, it's helping... Elinor will always be a part of me, a huge part but learning through new and varied ways how to deal with the loss and live my life. I do so want us to have a life... together... a future._

_I was thinking about the first time you touched me the other day and how terrified I was... not because you were a woman but because you were Bernie... my fearless, fantastic friend who I was falling fast for. Then I got thinking about the second time we went there together at your flat and how I felt... taking the lead more with you... and making you wait while I..._

_I'm sure you remember!! It felt so marvellous. I remember every time in such vivid detail... I love and adore you so much. I want you badly right this minute... I can and will wait until we are together again... you are the person I want to spend my life with and to say that is scary but also so true and pure... what we have._

_Ring me when you can darling, miss you too much._

_All my love,_

_Your Serena xx_

Will write something romantic back to her later and make sure I find the perfect ring. I am not just letting her have something for the sake of it, it has to be right. Edward just gave her his grandmother's ring which was not her style at all so this needs to go much better... from me! Will keep looking, can't wait to ask her, planning a romantic surprise...


	53. Chapter 53

**Tuesday (one week later)**

I am done with Holby for now... it feels completely devastating that my trauma unit... the one that Serena initiated for me to run has gone... just like that... it has kind of broken me in a way but the positive side of it all is that I am on my way to be with Serena... in France... right now!

I finally get to be with her... called her last night to tell her what had happened and asked if I could come and see her which she gasped with excitement at and said of course I could... she truly couldn't wait to see me. So here I am on the Eurostar on my way to see her for a few weeks with Holby put to the back of my mind....

I wonder if we will ever return to work there together... the place we met and fell in love with each other... still can't believe that she fell for me in the same way, have to pinch myself sometimes... ok constantly!!

Sacha kindly and quickly sorted out a contact he has in Sudan for me to go and work there for a bit after my visit to France. It looks right up my street work wise and gives Serena more time for herself without any pressure from me about what will come next...

The Eurostar is completely packed... very busy indeed, want to sleep but making do with listening to music and thinking about seeing Serena... the love of my life... yes... I am actually admitting it to myself and can't stop grinning. I have the ring for her in my bag and feel such intense butterflies at the thought of asking her to make the most important commitment to each other. I hope she will say yes... I want to ask her before heading to Sudan so she knows what my intentions are for us and our future. I want and need her so very much... always...

Actually excited about Sudan, been sending some emails to the base there to find out more and they are sorting out a start date for me knowing about my trip to France first. It should be exciting to work there and make a difference... hopefully.

Serena said she will pick me up from the station when I get there... two train rides but... she is definitely worth it. Can't wait to stay with her where she has been living and working... don't want to intrude too much on her recovering and finding herself though... she knows I am heading off for some work abroad shortly but was so excited about me going to her it melted my heart.

Not long now until we are in each others arms again... where we belong...

**Wednesday**

Feel like I am living in a dream... have had such an amazing day... back with Serena and happy again...

When she picked me up from the station yesterday I cried... I couldn't not... all the feelings and emotions that I typically shut away inside of myself came out as soon as I saw her standing there at the exit looking so beautiful...

We hugged tightly and she kissed my cheek softly. Was far too shy to kiss her in public! When we got to the place she is staying at she introduced me to her good friend Lawrence who is lovely. We had coffee together and then Serena showed me her room where I put my bag and sat on the edge of the bed looking at her... taking her all in...

She cradled me in her arms and I cried again... don't know where these emotions came from... just so good to see her and be back together again. We kissed on the bed for ages... wow... god i've missed her sensual kisses... so hot yet tender and just perfect...

Lawrence had cooked us a lovely 'french' dinner... very kind of him and he wanted to know all about our relationship which I was shy being forthcoming about but Serena took charge and was chatting away... I actually felt relaxed hearing her talk so openly and confidently about loving me.

She seems to have embraced her sexuality fairly easily in the scale of things whereas it has taken me decades to acknowledge who I am and what it means... still find it difficult to be honest but... she makes me feel brave and so loved...

To hold her in my arms knowing I am staying here for a bit... wow... really amazing... the feeling... incredible... I am so fortunate.

We spent a while just feeling each others skin last night and kissing... removing some of our clothes slowly and being intimate... felt wonderful and god... the feelings and sensations... feel myself going red thinking back to it... 

Tomorrow we are going exploring round the village, it is so pretty here and such great weather. It feels very relaxing and Lawrence has got extra help so Serena can spend all her time with me while i'm here... bliss!

**Friday**

We both spoke to Jason today on the phone, he was so happy to chat to us and hear about what we have been doing... Serena has taken me on a tour of the immediate area and I can see why she likes it here. So peaceful... 

She talked a bit while we were walking round about her therapy sessions and what she has been opening up about... her grief of course but also how much her life has changed with meeting me and being in a true partnership with learning to lean on me for emotional support and what a difference that makes... she told her therapist that she is in love with me and plans to spend her life by my side.

When she told me this she held my gaze and I just grinned at her nodding slowly.... I am definitely going to propose this weekend...  planning a special picnic to this small place that Lawrence says she loves... a quiet secluded spot down by the river... major butterflies at this huge thing i'm going to do... feel so nervous!


End file.
